Monday, 14 January 2013


I know I've been quiet lately.

Everything is okay. 

Everything is so very wrong.

There is an army of emotions to sift through. 

But I've just been quiet lately.  In life, and online.  Really really quiet.

There has been lots of noise around me.  Work.  Family.  Birthdays.  Holidays.  A New Year.  New pregnancies.  New babies.  And I have been... quiet.

I want it all to go away.  I want it all to stop.  I want to go back to January 2012, and remember what it feels like to almost have him here.  I want to go back to February 2012 and get him out before it was too late.

I want it all to be different.

I don't want to get upset when other people tell me they're pregnant.

So, I just stay quiet.  This is a road I walk alone.  Keeping to myself, not interested in how your baby is growing (and how you already know your due date, and that your baby will be here for next Christmas, too).

I am in a Twilight Zone.  Everything going on around me is seen through a Twilight Zone fog.  It's not supposed to be this way.  Your first child isn't supposed to be born weeks or months after my second born...but what seems like my first...  No.  I had my first.  I'm supposed to have my first.  Here.  Almost a year old.  And I'm supposed to be watching your life unfold without a second thought.  Without a care in the world...

I am alone.  People say hurtful things, and they think they're being helpful. 

"Everything will be okay this time..."

"Leave it up to God, and this one will be okay.  This time will be okay..."

"Guess what?  I'm pregnant too!  At least you don't have to go through this alone..."

"So there will be two new babies for next Christmas... isn't that great?"

I remain quiet. 

It's all too much.

I couldn't get it all out if I tried.  Times like these, I'd like to be able to spit fire when I speak... so they know.  ... so they know I'm not okay with what is happening all around me.  And that no, I don't care what's happening in your life.  I just want my son back.  My first born.  My missing one.

He is not a pregnancy gone wrong.  He is not a tragedy that will soon be fixed, or healed, or better, or easier. 

He is my everything.  And no one around me understands how much I miss him.

He came into my life, and changed everything. 

 Sept 21, 2011 - Really starting to grow - 18w4d

 Sept 28, 2011 - Well, hello there little BOY - 19w4d

Nov 24, 2011 - Not too sure how in the world I got so lucky - 27w5d

 Dec 20, 2011 - Holding my 28th birthday present - 31w3d

 Dec 20, 2011 - Getting really comfortable in my new skin - 31w3d

 Jan 22, 2012 - Home stretch.  And stretch my belly did... - 36w1d

Jan 29, 2012 - A baby shower thrown for us with friends - 37w1d

Feb 4, 2012 - I thought this could be it.  Everyone told me I'd go early... so I captured a shot whenever I got a chance - 38w0d

 Feb 5, 2012 - ...but we made it to our second shower thrown by Daniel's mother - 38w1d

Feb 6, 2012 - Every day could have been "the day" he decided to come... so we waited - 38w2d

Feb 16, 2012 - ... and waited - 39w5d

Feb 19, 2012 - I was officially "over due".  Any day now, they told me, any day now... - 40w1d


I am now doing time.  Waiting ...?


Not just to get to the other side of this subsequent pregnancy ... 

 Not just to meet this next child... 

 But forever.  I'm doing time.  Forever without him.