tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post1384752651942737449..comments2016-02-27T00:18:14.004-05:00Comments on Reflecting, Still...: Right Where I am 2013: One Year, 3 Months, 3 Weeks, Exactly Veronicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06281894679573984580noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-76706043081469279512013-06-21T17:18:59.216-04:002013-06-21T17:18:59.216-04:00Oh my dear. I think it feels hard because it IS ha...Oh my dear. I think it feels hard because it IS hard. Sleep deprivation and grief can pile up on you and there are always questions. Nothing has made me doubt myself more than motherhood. Motherhood of all three of my children. The constant anxiety and wondering what my other daughter would have been like and how would I ever have managed twins any way. <br /><br />I feel that the grief sharpened up all my feelings, that I didn't feel contentment much any more, just . . . . everything. Happiness and horrible sadness. Too much of it. All the time.<br /><br />I wish that I didn't live so stupidly far away. Please don't worry, I hope you know that you aren't really ill-equipped or providing him with unstable care but I know how it feels to feel as though you are. You are doing great and getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep can really make you feel less absolutely exhausted and on your knees with sheer tiredness.<br /><br />Hope that everything settles down with Theo. Remembering your dear Alexander.Catherine Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01618295389400457254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-23221533859207060182013-06-21T10:42:26.098-04:002013-06-21T10:42:26.098-04:00Veronica, this is such an honest and important pos...Veronica, this is such an honest and important post. Newborn babies are hard, hard, hard and the changes first live babies bring into our lives are enormous and too often I think babyloss moms feel they must be grateful and serene and perfect at every moment and that is f**ing impossible and setting us up for guilt heaped upon more guilt. You are so not alone. <br /><br />Remembering your sweet Alexander and hoping that life with Theo starts to get easier, and wishing, like Tash says above, that we lived close enough to meet and chat and all feel normal together. March is for daffodilshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11287273786322029725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-28161970856166660822013-06-21T09:27:03.211-04:002013-06-21T09:27:03.211-04:00I had a really tough time in the beginning. Leif h...I had a really tough time in the beginning. Leif had severe tongue tie and he was colicky for the first 3 months. I was also a mess coming off of such a difficult pregnancy. Caring for a newborn is hard, never mind grieving the loss of your first born too. I feel lonely too. I don't have anyone to talk to about my grief. Nobody wants to talk about the past 2 years. The most significant years of my life. It's strange at times. I had lunch with friends and there were moments when I felt out of place. It would be nice to talk to someone who understands. I wish we lived closer because i'd love to give you a big hug right now. Sending hugs mama. Thinking of you and your boys. xxTashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07078703799477411588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-21266148551978434922013-06-19T15:00:17.606-04:002013-06-19T15:00:17.606-04:00I'm sorry it is so hard. All of it. I think ye...I'm sorry it is so hard. All of it. I think year two of grieving is particularly hard, and it is exhausting to grieve and it's exhausting to take care of a newborn. It does change, though not on any timetable, nor necessarily dramatically. Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03495015511456598162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-90962850408545414012013-06-19T02:06:39.226-04:002013-06-19T02:06:39.226-04:00The first of it is hard, hard, HARD without having...The first of it is hard, hard, HARD without having lost your first born. You are doing the best you can, be as gentle with yourself as possible. I PROMISE it will get better. But if it becomes too much, too overwhelming please reach out. People love you and want to help. Post partum depression is VERY real, and grief will only make it spiral out of control. <br />I'm sending light and love. You're awesome.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07115154893444857726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-8024164843792029062013-06-18T13:16:28.933-04:002013-06-18T13:16:28.933-04:00I'm glad you still posted this. I have defini...I'm glad you still posted this. I have definitely had those overwhelmed and resentful moments/days, and then the guilt that follows because somehow BLM are supposed to always be grateful and never complain. (Which we ARE grateful, but it's still hard to be a mom). Hope that things get better for you. What helped me was connecting to other moms that had babies the same age as mine, so I could see that they didn't have it all figured out either. Don't let breastfeeding trap you at home if you can figure out how to comfortably nurse in public, with or without a cover, you have the most portable food and calming technique with you at all times! It takes some getting used to though. <br /><br />You are doing a great job! I don't think you will ever feel 'like yourself' again, at least I still don't, but it's a new version of myself. Getting some sleep and some time to yourself can make all the difference. Hang in ther,e and keep writing :)Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13329481801694746402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-61310250724134904122013-06-18T09:48:59.773-04:002013-06-18T09:48:59.773-04:00I struggled with some resentment issues too. The g...I struggled with some resentment issues too. The good news is they didn't last. But when Finn was struggling to latch and I was exhausted, I couldn't help but think how my perfect baby, the one who I never got to nurse, who never kept me up, wasn't frustrating me the way this "bundle of joy" was. I knew it wasn't fair - to put my perfect (and dead) baby on a pedestal. I knew it wasn't fair to hold any resentment for my baby who was doing nothing wrong but being a baby, but it's so hard. Im going to email you a link to a few other blogs - you're not alone in this difficult adjustment. <br /><br />Right where you are now, as you know, is not right where you will always be. Love to you sweet friend. Wish I could take Theo for a few hours while you rested. Can I mail wine to Canada?? :)Carolinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00101380791416834049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-28875030287704237242013-06-18T08:24:35.041-04:002013-06-18T08:24:35.041-04:00You're not an awful person. Grief is raw, gri...You're not an awful person. Grief is raw, grief is a real, living thing. It changes daily. Hugs to you momma.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13666103858316621352noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-25017173112446030612013-06-17T23:26:35.059-04:002013-06-17T23:26:35.059-04:00Yes, it's messy and scary and tiring and still...Yes, it's messy and scary and tiring and still so damn sad that life is what it is. You are not an awful person. You are an overtired, grieving mama to two little boys. <br /><br />At eight weeks, I was still really struggling with breastfeeding. It did get better, but it took so much longer than I expected it to. I was still pumping and bottling in the middle of the night because I couldn't handle how long it took to nurse. I wasn't doing anything wrong, neither are you, sometimes it just takes a long time to get it down. <br /><br />Like Brooke, I also continued seeing my counselor and she was able to remind me that I was normal. I needed that reminder. I still do. I also had my husband home with me all the time which really made a huge difference. Bode has been sick the past few days and being home alone is just really hard when you feel like you cannot even pee, let alone make a meal for yourself.<br /><br />Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Missing and loving Alexander and Theo with you. xoxoMama Bearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15448908179398529689noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-409849732630728091.post-68355431972924356072013-06-17T22:51:38.380-04:002013-06-17T22:51:38.380-04:00Oh, Veronica, that sounds so, so hard. I know man...Oh, Veronica, that sounds so, so hard. I know many other BLMs have felt similarly when the "rainbow baby" has not been all sunshine. It can be such a struggle to work so hard to get the baby here and then you feel helpless and frustrated when the baby seems unhappy or uncomfortable and you're at a loss. Colicky babies are hard for anyone, but I truly think they can drive bereaved moms to the edge.<br /><br />I saw a therapist regularly after Zuzu was born (I took her with me to appointments). I know absolutely that it made those early months so much easier on me, to get some perspective and have someone talk me down from the ledges in my head. <br /><br />Sending much love to you, and hoping three months really is the turning point.Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05946311309467296976noreply@blogger.com