8 weeks of Theodore

Sleep deprivation is real.  When I'm under slept, my world can fall apart.  And I don't mean under slept like a night will go by and I didn't get my 8 hours.  I mean, 3-4 nights and days where I'm only getting 4 broken hours in a 24 hour period.  And this is while I'm already trying to catch up on the sleep I didn't get when Theo first came home.  So when a few days go by, and I don't get at least 3-4 hours solid straight SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW, I get pretty rattled. 

 

And that's where I was the other day.  We broke Theo's schedule last week.. and we paid for it over the weekend and the start of this week.  When I'm in a state of sleep deprivation, I feel like Theo never sleeps, and he always cries.  And truthfully, that's not the case.  He is a good baby.  But when I'm at my worst with sleep and emotions... he can come across as an overwhelming terror.  And he is!  But on days and weeks where my sleep is up to par, it doesn't seem all that bad.  I actually like my day-to-day with him when I'm refreshed and feeling somewhat well rested.

 

I started recording his naps and night time stretches of sleep because I was convinced that he wasn't sleeping enough for his age.. or was sleeping too much... or I don't know.  I was paranoid, and it's a habit I picked up after reading that after 1 month old, babies can sleep 5-6 hours at night, and start feeding every 3-4 hours instead of 2-3.  Well, Theo is getting appox. 12-16 hours in a 24 hour period most days.  I just didn't believe it because >>>>I<<<< wasn't get such glorious amounts of sleep too.

 

Anyway... I want to thank you all for the support and love after my last post.  It truly was Right Where I Was on that day, in that moment in time.  And there are many days like that.  But I know things have to get better as he grows and adapts to the world around him.

 

***

 

So, I feel super behind in keeping this growing child up-to-date on this blog.  I really wanted to blog every week, and show cute pictures of Theo.  But getting to the computer in those first weeks out was pretty impossible.  We took so.many.pictures of this kid... I really don't know what I'm going to do with them all. 

Be prepared to be PHOTO BOMBED with 8 weeks of Theodore!!
I dated every single picture.  So if you catch yourself asking, "oh, how cute, I wonder how old he is in this picture...?"  Well, he was born on April 23, 2013... and you can do the math from there! 

You're welcome :)

 4/24/13

not even 24 hours old.  I could post about 100 pictures from him in the hospital (because that's just about the number we took of him!) from our 2 1/2 day stay.. but I have to pace myself....

 

 

 

4/27/13

 Oh, 27, how you tug at my heart.  When I took this photo, I didn't realize it was the 27th to be honest.  Theo was just 4 days old... and I was in a sleepless, paranoid haze.  But as I compose this post, I think this picture was perfectly taken on the 27th.  One boy next to him, and one in his heart and hopefully in his dreams.

4/27/13

still has his chubby cheeks at 4 days old

4/27/13



4/30/13 Theodore @ 1 weeks old!

what a sleepy lookin' fella

4/30/13

What a funny looking jaundice little boy.  Thank goodness as you scroll down it only gets better!!

 

5/3/13

First time sitting in his chair.  It was still a little early to pop him in this thing for longer than a few seconds as his head would easily slouch into his chest... but still a cute photo op

5/5/13

still skinny faced and new

5/7/13 Theodore @ 2 weeks old!

5/7/13

A little early for eye contact (or so I was told..) but he'd lock eyes with the camera every now and again.  Oh my little old man child :)

5/8/13

I'm assuming all newborn babies make the "crying" face in their sleep... because he's SO OUT in this picture.. but you'd never know from his expression

 

5/14/13 Theodore @ 3 weeks old!

5/16/13

I just think he's super funny looking in this picture!

 

5/17/13

Practicing martial arts in his sleep

 



5/18/13

he was up at 6am (FOR GOOD) on this morning.  And he was looking at me - like REALLY looking at me - all like, "What are we out of bed and off the boob for?"

5/18/13

such a little peanut

 

 5/20/13

he used to nap like a superstar in the evenings (not so much now... sigh)

5/20/13

I so wish to find out what is always so damn funny!

5/20/13

It looked to me like he was raising his hand in class.  My goodness, he's so small and delicious.

 

5/20/13

 showing him newborn stimulation video's on the iPad for the first time

5/20/13

 the forever changing black and white shapes were pretty trippy!!

5/20/13

 showing us lots of developmental milestones and followed the iPad where ever we moved it

5/21/13 Theodore @ 4 weeks old!

 unfortunately, this is the only picture I have from this day.  And Daniel took it, and didn't button his onesie... and I can see his diaper is full of pee.  Wonderful.

We have a video from that day... but I it's only exciting to us. 

 

 

5/22/13

I love his hair

5/23/13 - 1 month exactly

 On his way to the doctor's for his 1 month check up

I didn't notice it then, but he was still pretty jaundice.  wow.

 

 

Here are some shots from (our attempt at) his 1 month "photo shoot", May 23rd 2013



 This bear was a gift from Daniel's family on Theodore's birth day.

 however, we couldn't get Theo or the bear to cooperate for a good shot...

 He ran out of patience pretty fast - and if anyone uses pampers "wet indicator", you can see the blue line on his diaper, and he used to get pretty pissed off when he was wet :(

 Daddy changed his diaper, and tried to console him...

 This might be the best shot we got...

 but ultimately he just wanted to be back with mom

 

 

 

5/25/13

keeping track of his "home coming" outfit.  I'll be kinda sad the day he doesn't fit into it any longer.  We bought that outfit a few weeks/days (I don't remember right now exactly when we took that leap of good faith) before Theo was born.  It was such an awesome feeling to see him wear it the day we brought him home - and I still get that same feeling every time I see him wear it.

 

5/26/13

such long arms and big hands!

5/26/13

remember this post when I posted a picture of him in this outfit at 4 days old?  He's really filling out his car seat now :)

5/26/13

 First time meeting his new friends on his activity mat!

 

 5/27/13

 

5/27/13

 big stretches when I unwrap the swaddle

 

 

5/28/13

 Sometimes we let the cats look after Theo...

5/28/13

 ...this was purely a coincidence

 

 

 Roller coaster dreams

5/28/13 Theodore @ 5 weeks!

 

 

 

5/29/13

 his favorite place to be.. (well, about 6-8 inches lower, to be exact)

 

 

 6/1/13

definitely outgrowing his bassinet

 

 6/1/13

hanging out in his chair... enjoying some iPad vision

 6/1/13

 

 

 6/2/13

Theo realizing he actually LIKES bath time.  This is him in anticipation. 

 6/2/13

starting to look more and more like me

 6/2/13

"Bath time rocks!"

and is my baby abnormally hairy?!  I think so... he's got hairy upper arms and back.

 

 

 6/4/13 Theodore @6 weeks old!!

somehow he managed to inch down, and get his foot out of the crib.  Whenever we manage to successfully have him unswaddled for night time sleeping.. we're gonna have to get our mesh "bumper" pad up.  

 

 a smile.  he was A-DORABLE while I was obsessively taking his pictures as he was waking up from his morning nap.

 

 

 6/6/13

I was trying to get a good shot in his "home coming" outfit to show how much he's grown.  "One second baby, mommy's almost got it..."

 "one more second... the flash is too high.. "

 "ok, I got the flash just right..."  "ok, ok, ok, no more pictures!!"

 

6/7/13

chilling out in his chair

 6/7/13

lots of love from dad in the evening

 

6/8/13

 6/8/13

I only ever stomach sleep him when he's 100% supervised (and it only started a few weeks ago).  I really wish he didn't love sleeping on his stomach so much... because he stopped tolerating sleeping on his back unless swaddled, and somehow we have to stop swaddling all together.. and we'll be completely at his mercy at night

 

 6/10/13

Snug as a bug

 6/10/13

but... he grunts and squirms until he breaks free, hits the sides and wakes himself up

 

 

 6/11/13 Theodore @ 7 weeks old

 6/11/13

Cute.  All I have to say about this.  Cute, cute, cute

 

 

 6/12/13

graduated out of the bassinet to a playpen

I'd like to mention that Theo DOES NOT SLEEP IN THIS THING FOR MORE THAN 40 MIN AT A TIME AND IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HIS EVENING NAPS ARE A THING OF THE PAST UNLESS HE IS SLEEP *ON* SOMEONE.

 

 6/13/13

going out for a walk with mommy.  It's been cold lately.. and Theodore DOES NOT like hats.

 

 6/14/13

already filling out the playpen

 

 

We were adventurous this past weekend, and attended our first birthday part with Theo in tow.  This boy was turning 1, and we are his godparents, so we really wanted to make the effort and show up.  Even though the party was at 10am, and would disturb Theo's nap time entirely... we made it.  I didn't want to forever be bound to his routine, and at almost 8 weeks old, I figured he has to start to venture out into big crowds filled with children and relatives carrying germs and snot that insist on touching his face and hands at some point in his life. 

6/15/13

4 Generations.  Theodore with his daddy Daniel, Daniel's dad and grandfather

 6/15/13

We tried to put him down when we got home, but he was kinda wired and overtired.

 6/15/13

snuggled up with mommy

 

6/17/13

 starting to find the camera when mommy calls him

6/17/13

 more eye contact to daddy while I gave him a bath

 So we've seen a few pictures in his chair.  But we've been calling it his "poo chair" lately, because like magic... we put him in, sing a song, or play a video... and pow, he'll blow out his diaper.  Sometimes it's at night, and sometimes it's during our morning play... but it's a pretty safe bet that he'll poo for us if his bowels are full if placed in that chair.

And yesterday afternoon, for your viewing pleasure, I caught him in action.  I was putting him down quickly so I could dash to the restroom... and he got himself geared up...

feeling the rumble..

...bearing down...

state of my diaper = blown out

aaaand I'm done.

*sigh*

 

He always has this shark fin, or as my aunt called it, "rooster comb" (she said I had it too at this age).  But last night, Daniel said, "I got it!  I know who he reminds me of..."

 

 

 

And he took this next picture....



"Astro Boy!!"

6/18/13 Theodore @ 8 weeks old!

 

 

Ok, ok, ok

 

I must sleep.

 

 

I've been working on this post through out the day.  Theo finally went down for his 3-4 hour nap this morning (after three days of NOT NAPPING ROUTINELY SO I COULD SLEEP TOO) and I uploaded all the pix... and I've been working on dating and commenting for the past hour and a half while Theo has been down for the night.  Silly silly me... complaining about not getting sleep, and I'm NOT sleeping when my baby sleep. 

 

But I've got to have some balance. 

 

Enjoy, and good night!

 

p.s

I am not spell checking or proof reading.  yikes!

Right Where I am 2013: One Year, 3 Months, 3 Weeks, Exactly

It's almost 4:51pm... I didn't even realize when I sat to write this post.  Alexander was born at 4:51pm, on a Monday.  Well, he was stillborn...

I'm taking part for a second year in a row in Angie's Right Where I Am project.  To see my last years entry, you can look at her blog here as she posted my entry.  I started this blog a short while after.  This project last year definitely kicked me into gear in getting serious about blogging.  I'd been commenting and stalking  reading about other baby loss mom's in the blog world, and knew I wanted to go that step further with connecting and start my own blog and share my story.

I have to get up, and walk to the other side of the room every few minutes to check if my living child is still alive, and breathing.  He is napping on his stomach so he could die instantly any second so I'd better be vigilant on checking on him.  And I might have to wrap this post up, all disjointed and incomplete. 

Right where I am is a bit of a shitty place.  I wish I could write about all the joy and utter amazement I constantly experience as I'm at the mercy of my living child.  But I cant.  Life does not feel that great at this time. 

Theodore what born on April 23, 2013.  He will be 8 weeks old tomorrow.  Most days, he has me at my wits end.  My grief roars and my heart breaks as I get frustrated with this tiny person.  I'm in constant wonder in what kind of person I would have been if my first son had lived, and he was the boy I was able to mother.  After mothering a dead child, mothering a living one has its dark days.  For me, anyway.  I have a lump in my throat nearly all the time - but certainly all the time when my sleep is lacking.  When Theo doesn't nap, I get weepy and frustrated.  My temper wears thin, and I find myself resenting my life.  Hating it at times.  Sorry.  I do.  I don't want this life.  I often times don't want things this way.  I don't want to feel this way. 

I still feel so terribly ripped off, and I am sickened with disgust when I find myself wanting to quit on this current life.  As Theo fusses and cries over my shoulder - as he's been fed, clean and dry - I cry too. 

What's wrong little baby?  Do you belong to someone else?  Do you want out of this scenario too?  I'm sorry.  I am a bad person.  I cannot help you. I am broken. 

And I know I don't have a thing figured out.  I know I don't know where to put all the sad, lonely feelings that came along with losing my first born.  I often think I'm in no shape to be looking after a little helpless baby, as I find myself resenting him at times.  Nothing is his fault.  I hurried his life into this world because I was so shattered by my loss, I didn't know what else to do.  And I still don't know what to do.

People tell me that things will get better. 

"At three months, you'll see a big change."

I'm starting to give up hope that I'll one day miraculously feel better with a simple flip of the calendar.  I was told that breastfeeding would all of a sudden find it's perfect rhythm at 3 weeks, 4 weeks... and I'm still feeling trapped and housebound because of Theo's snack-like tendencies.  I was told that at 6 weeks I'd see a big difference in how Theo sleeps at night.  5 and 6 hour stretches.  Bullshit.  He still randomly sleeps 4 hours straight ... but usually 2 1/2 - 3 hour stretches.  I'm up with him for ridiculous 2 hour feed at night... and I cant help but feel like I'm doing something wrong.

And everything is all sandwiched by my grief.  I can no longer tell if everything feels hard, or if it all feels hard because I feel so lonely.  I feel lonely because of my loss, and I feel lonely because I seem to want to be alone when dealing with all the difficulties in looking after an infant. 

I don't know how I would have been if Theodore was my first born, living child.  How would I have been with Alexander?  Theodore is his own little individual person, and I long to know who Alexander would have been.  I am constantly upset with myself that I cant be a better mother for Theo, and put the heaviness of my life behind me.  I feel like I sound so DRAMATIC, but dammit, everything feels hard. 

Things do feel better when Daniel gets home.  I finally feel like I can eat, or pee or sit at the computer in peace and not be interrupted or not have to do everything one handed.  I am all by myself every day with Theo, and we have one car, and Daniel takes it to work.  He used to take public transit, but the lack of sleep has got to him too... and tolerating jam packed subways and delays just isn't something to manage if you don't have to.  So I'm home with the babe.  And when emotions are running high, I feel very trapped.  And very alone. 

And I know this sounds like a post about having a new baby...but I feel it's almost entirely about my grief.  I had no idea how trying everything would feel, and I am forever bothered by the fact that I will never know how I would have tolerated this huge lifestyle change had I not endured such a huge loss.  I thought I was managing my grief, my missing, my longing a little better when I was pregnant with Theodore, but in the days and weeks when we brought him home, I realized those emotions were null and void, and a new sense of "what the fuck happened to my life and my son?" began. 

There is a flip side to all of this. 

I love my second son.  I love this baby boy who is here living with us.  A little bit of that joy I talked about earlier hits me from time to time, and I do catch myself in utter amazement when he asleep soundly on my chest that he is mine to keep. 

I hold him, and I cry because I am sure I am doing something wrong because of how awful I feel some days.  I don't ever want to see a scratch on his body, or a hair harmed on his head.  And I cannot believe the person I turn into when he is inconsolable and I find myself picking him up, frustrated, saying "ooookaaayy Theeooooo" and bounce around the room with agitation running through my blood.  He must know how ill equipped I am.  He must sense my inadequacies and cry harder due to his unstable care.  I don't like who I've become towards him in his seemingly dire times of need.  I fall apart easily, and my patience runs out quickly.  Who am I?  Where did I go in this mess of caring for a new baby?

But I love Theodore, and I so love his aroundness when he is in a good mood, and not rooting for my sore, empty breasts.  I am ripped apart by the idea of losing him.  My constant checking, and examining is all due to my fear of facing another loss.  I miss Alexander more than I can ever put into words, and my at-my-wits-end tears are always stemmed in my primal need for him to be here. 

***

This post seems harsh.  It is almost 10pm, and I wrote the majority of this while Theo was napping earlier today and had to save it as he work shortly after 5pm.  I read through it, and I sound like an awful person.  But I'm not going to hold back, or rewrite.  That is exactly where I was earlier today, and this project is supposed to be all about capturing your grief today.  Not yesterday's or tomorrow's feelings... but right now's. 

So that's it.  It's messy.  It's rushed.  But it's real. 

Numbers

Theodore's birthday - April 23 = 04 23 = 27

Alexander's birthday - February 27 = 02 27 = 29


Alexander's due date - Feb 18 = 02 18 = 20

Theodore's due date - May 9 = 05 09 = 14


Theo's date of conception - August 18 = 08 18 = 26

Alexander's date of conception - May 29 = 05 29 = 34




Alexander's due date based on LMP = Feb 21 = 02 21 = 23

Theodore's due date based on LMP = May 12 = 05 12 = 17


Theo's gestation was 37+5

Alexander's gestation was 41+2



All of Alexander's numbers are bigger... greater than... more than...

He is the big brother.  He is the biggest.  He is first.


If Theo gestated 41+2 days he would have been born on May 18

Alexander was due on February 18

18.  They share it.  But it's not real.  Theo didn't go to 41+2.  We let him go only to 37+5 to make sure he came out alive.


04 23 = 27.  Alexander was 27.  27.

I wanted Theo born on April 25.  04 25 to be 29.  Alexander was 02 27.  29.  But no.  They don't share 29.

I wanted them to legitimately share a number.  I wanted them both to have a number to represent them both.  I would take that number and sear it on to my heart.



37+5 = 42
41+2 = 43

42 - 43 = -1
43 - 42 = 1

I have 1 son.  I have -1 son.

***

Theodore is now awake.  I wanted to trip out on these numbers a bit longer... 

Maybe it will all mean something some day...

7lbs 13oz

I know it's been a while.  And I could say all the typical things about how life has been with a newborn.  And it's mostly all true. 

Sleep is still hard to come by ... I'm usually a sweaty mess from breastfeeding ... I haven't worn anything beyond boy t-shirts and pyjama shorts for almost a month, and my hair has been up in a clip 24 hours a day. 

... but nights are getting easier.  I'm not as worried (knocks wood), and I'm able to let myself sleep while he sleeps while the AngelCare flicks away letting me know he's breathing ...still living... still here to stay.

(Although I still doubt that machine... and on my not so good nights I have lead myself to believe that it's flawed... it'll flick and tick even if the baby died.  So I'm up, peeking into his crib [that is RIGHT NEXT TO OUR BED] watching the rise and fall of his chest.)

He's 23 days old today.  And I guess he's technically not a newborn any longer (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!)  His weight has FINALLY picked up.  The bilirubin is still in his blood, and he's still looking a little jaundice... and for the first few weeks, he wasn't putting on weight - even though I was feeding on demand (with no more than 3 hours in between feeds), and his pee's and poo's were normal. 

Here is the breakdown:

Born April 23 - 7lbs 5oz
Discharged @ 2 days old - April 25 - 6lbs 11oz
4 days old - April 27 - 6lbs 13oz
6 days old - April 29 - 6lbs 10oz (YIKES!)
9 days old - May 2 - 6lbs 14oz
17 days old - May 10 - 7lbs 4oz

Just last week, he still wasn't at his birth weight.  His doctor told me that with jaundice babies it's normal for them to take a little more time to put the pounds back on.. but still.  I wasn't a happy camper. 

I've had a few meltdowns while feeding him ... convinced he wasn't actually drinking.  He's very lethargic at the breast, and as he would nod off even while I'd tickle his ear, blow on his face, stroke his chin, etc... I shed a few tears.

***

While we were waiting to be called in at the doctors office today .. the nurse came out and called, "Alexander".  Daniel and I both shifted our weight to get up, and we stopped and looked at each other.  Oops.  Ouch.

A little blonde haired boy and his mom made their way into a little room. 

Not us. 

I'm still in a bit of a double life.  One here with Theo, and one in my heart where my boy made it home after a perfect pregnancy last year, and nurses call his name in doctor's offices. 

***

But alas, today Theodore weighed in at 7lbs 13oz today! 9 ounces in one week! Go Theo!

Alexander's birth weight was 7lbs 13oz. I held Theodore extra close today ... almost feeling like it was my chance to feel his brother's weight here on earth.

***

Once again, in not knowing how else to end this post (still a little tired, still a little scattered, still a little tight on time)  I'll just slam a bunch of Theodore pix your way!

In no order, with no rhyme or reason.. he's my kid. 

 He falls asleep on me all-the-time.  He's the perfect handful

 Chilling out with his Dad ...

 ... watching the Leafs (this wasn't them watching the major upset of a game where they lost in game 7 to Boston!!)

 Here's some of his newborn smooshiness - a smile

 ... looking like a worried old man

 so small!

 

loving some skin to skin

 silly dream face

 just a few days old - cheeks looking chubbier than ever

 He is a super sleeper during the day!

 

2 weeks old!



spending time with mom and dad

 

the nights can be long...

and we usually end up like this

 or this..

But here's the little guy yesterday... still a little yellow in his eyes, and looking like he just got back from somewhere warm and sunny

Weighing in... 7lbs 13oz :) 

 

 

 

Daniel told me that people aren't going to think he's cute because pictures don't capture his adorableness.  I'll admit - he's a funny looking kid!  But really guys, pictures don't do him justice.  I could seriously eat him up, he's so yummy.  

The Heavy

Theodore is cuddled with his dad, sucking on daddy's finger for comfort.

I fed him for what seems like hours before he went down for a 30 minute nap.  His rooting couldn't be for more milk...

I've been wanting (daily) to come to this blog, and dump my feelings and frustrations out.. but the rule of "when baby sleeps, you sleep" is really something I'm trying to adhere to.  I don't sleep at night.  I'm up with Theo for 1 and a half hours per feed.  I might get 3-4 hours collectively each night if I'm lucky.  And those 3 hours usually come in 30 - 40 minute doses.  If I ever get a good nap in during the day that's longer than an hour, I feel like a new person. 

I let Daniel sleep at night.  I need him during the day to be as functional as possible.  I feel so wired, and at times borderline crazy.  I try not to lose my shit with visitors, constant feeds, advice... etc.

But I'm getting close.

And I can't ever really talk about what's really pushing me to my edge. 

I miss Alexander.

I ache with now evident his goneness is.  With Theodore here, it is a constant reminder of what so should have been last year. 

And I don't know if I'm normal.  Am I normal for a baby loss parent even?  Are my unravelling emotions normal for any "new" mom?  Is this overwhelming feeling of sadness over the loss of my first born normal?  Is the feeling like I cannot possibly do this another day without having Alexander here normal?  Is the endless amount of joy I have in the arrival of Theodore supposed to make having Alexander not here easier?  Because right now, it does not.

I love both my sons.  Endlessly and equally.

How is it one of them is out of my reach?  Inaccessible?  Untouchable?  So completely gone? 

Several people "outside" of my circle commented on how next Sunday will be my first Mother's Day.  It hurt me more than I expected. 

Today, MY MOTHER said, "look at you, you're a mom now".  Happily, and without thinking of any consequence, she said this.

I didn't get it.  I don't get people who don't remember that I had a son last year, and he died.  And then still think that with Theodore's arrival I now qualify as "mom" status. 

It hurt.  My mother says things without thinking.  My temper was short and is getting shorter day by day with the lack of sleep, and I told her she's pissing me off.  Getting mad is easier than getting emotional.  If I let myself get sad... it's hard to reel it in. 

Theodore is a little Jaundice.  It's 12 days old today.  Everyone told me that after a week old it should start to go away on it's own... and as long as he's wetting enough diapers.. and having 3-5 poo's a day... not to worry. 

When the poo turns yellowish... the jaundice will be well on its way out.

Today... I started to see yellow.  I saw yellow once or twice a week back, but then they went back to green.  I want to get a follow up, but his numbers weren't high enough for anything to be scheduled. 

I want one anyway. 

The whites of his eyes are still yellowish.  And I swear... his face comes and goes with colour.  Tan to yellow to red.  It tears me apart.  I want him well.  I want him thriving.

He falls asleep on the boob.  He sometimes wants it every 2 hours... for over an hour.  And with that math, he's feeding some evenings for 5-6 hours straight.  I tickle his ear... blow on his face... stroke his cheek... just keep eating baby... but the jaundice makes for a sleeping eater. 

I can't help but think what kind of mother/person I would have been last year with Alexander as my first living child.  Would I be filled with peace?  Would I have a sense of glee with my new baby?  Would I be high on love to no end, and make for a wonderful host?  I still feel so gutted by his death, and as if I'm constantly trying to put my life back together.  What kind of mother/person would I be if I was not carrying around this awful feeling of missing?  This awful feeling of loneliness?  This painful yearning?

The other day, I was in the kitchen, and something triggered a memory from last year.  Daniel and I went to Vancouver for a few weeks 3 months after Alexander died.  All of a sudden, in the middle of my kitchen making my tea... I ached to be back there.  I ached to be so close to losing him.  I wanted so bad to feel that enormous amount of fresh grief.  I wanted to crawl into a ball of sadness over losing my son.  Instead, I was in my kitchen, quickly trying to get a meal and a cup of tea in before the baby wakes and my presence would be once again dominated by a needy newborn.  How could I want to be anywhere but with this new little life, this new little cranky boy who keeps my up and has me thinking I'm at my wits end... why would I want out of this new life? 

But I did.  I wanted Alexander back more than I wanted anything else. 

The moment passed. 

I try to stay present with my new son. 

But I'd be lying if I said I was only over the moon happy-go-lucky-I-love-my-life now that Theo is here. 

I still hurt all the time.  Maybe more now that Theo is here?  Maybe more now that we made it to the other side of a subsequent pregnancy with a living child?  Maybe more now knowing/confirming all that should have been... could have been. 

If I were still pregnant, Theodore would be 39+3 days gestation.

Alexander died and was born at 41+2.

As Theo gets closer to his brother's final age... the similarities are increasing.  He looks most like his brother while in the car seat.  Cheeks slouched and face drooped.  Lips completely pouted out... looking a little lifeless. 

Yeah, when my son looks lifeless, he looks like his brother.  Ouch. 

 Theo in his car seat.  Looking like Alexander.  Beautiful.

 

At the doctors at 4 days old... Mr. Billy Reuben came into our lives. 

 

 

 

I don't have an appropriate way to complete/end this post.  My time is limited.  I feel like I haven't scratched the surface with my constant battle of emotions.  But I'm reaching out for what it's worth.  This is where I'm at right now.  There are tons of moments filled with SO.MUCH.GOOD, but today I'm choosing to let out the sad.  Let out the heavy. 

 

 

I know it's "bilirubin"

Bath Time With Theodore

There is so much to say, so much to express... so much to recap

But life with a new born (after becoming a baby loss parent) is a challenge.  And NO SLEEP is something like nothing else.  But NO SLEEP + CONSTANT WORRY YOUR CHILD WILL DIE IF YOU SLEEP... WHEN YOU SLEEP = a whole different kind of exhausted.

But... but...

I am so happy he is here and wouldn't change a thing about my new life with Theodore.

And tonight, we turned a corner in bathing this little fella. After 2 attempts in bathroom set up's that had us fumbling with a crying baby... to a sponge bath attempt that went SO WRONG and gave us a VERY unhappy baby... we finally got it down tonight, and Theo loved his bath. And my heart finally felt calm about getting this kid clean!

skin to skin with mom after a light snack

big stretches with dad

hair washed - taking like a champ!

doing SO WELL in the water

a bit of an air dry

getting dressed is NO BIG DEAL!

fresh and clean baby

rootin' for some boob!

a quick chat with mom

 mission accomplished!  fuzzy haired and fed ... ready to enjoy the night!

out cold with dad <3

 

 

NB:  He pee'd through his diaper as I was composing this last night... probably my fault... didn't have his stuff pointed the right way.  Had to change his EVERYTHING after getting so darn clean.  Pee'd through his change of clothes and discovered it at his 3AM feed.  MADE FOR AN UPSET MOMMY BECAUSE I HAD HIS THING POINTED DOWN, SO WHAT THE HELL??!?  I guess there's something about getting clean that brings on the probability of all dirty errors.  

Introducing...

I'm late

Very very late to this post

But he is here!  Theodore is here!

Theodore Alexander came screaming into the world April 23, 2013 (37 weeks and 5 days gestation) at 10:14pm. 

7lbs 5oz and 52 inches of pure love

 Just born

 

 Not even 24 hours on the outside.. and he's pooped!

 Unbelievable love

 April 25th - going home!

 "guys, I was SO READY!"

 We talk a lot

 

I worry a lot

 

But he always reminds me...

 

"What's the big deal? Life ain't so bad..."

 

And I'm in love, all over again