Genetics

So those are my parents. 

 

This picture is from 1980.  I think.  This was before any children.  My mother was 22ish, and my father was 27ish.  My mother is 100% Lithuanian, and my father is 50% Scottish and 50% English. 

 

After Alexander died, I studied my childhood pictures - A LOT.  How I looked verses how my sister looked.  Who got what feature from what parent, whose expressions were more like mom or dad.. and so on.  My sister and I are both girls (obviously) and we are 22 months apart in age.  People used to tell me that I looked more like my dad and my sister looked more like my mom.  But then my brother was born, and my sister looked more like my mom, and my brother looked more like my dad... and I was always "the perfect mix".  As the 3 of us got older, our looks matured and everyone's comments of who looked like what parent pretty much stayed the same.  Sister, mom.  Brother, dad.  And me... a 50/50 mix. 

 

Now that Theodore is here, and is growing and changing every day .. the enormous loss of our first born son and all that we will forever be missing idles along side Theo's ever changing self. 

And I think...

Maybe...

Alexander would have looked like Daniel. 

 

In the early days out from Alexander's death,  I used to find comfort in watching Daniel sleep.  When he was sleeping, I saw a spitting image of my son.  The shape of his cheeks, his eyes... the shape of his chin.  Alexander was all Daniel.  He had the fullness of my lips and the shape of my mouth, but I saw so many of his features mirror Daniel's.  As Daniel was sleeping - his face relaxed and his muscles still - I saw Alexander. 

I went through the few baby pictures that Daniel's mother had, and I looked for my son.  That's what he would have looked like, I thought.  He would have been this fat... his hair just like this... his expressions just so...

 

***

 

My dad used to take our pictures... all... the... time.  This was back in the 80's, before anything was digital.  Before any filters or previews or touch ups. He had a really good camera (he used to carry his lenes around in a briefcase everywhere he went!). There are hundreds of pictures of me and my siblings, all frame worthy.  He was a true photographer. 

 

He would get the three of us together, line us up against a wall.. or on a couch.. and just candidly snap away.  I didn't even think it to be anything less ordinary than having a meal, he used to do it so often. 
 

And I get it now.  When you have your children, you don't want to miss anything.  You want to freeze time and have every.single.second documented and captured because you know you're only going to have the here and now ONCE... and then it's over.  And they change.  And they grow.  And all that they once were is in the past, and you wake up and they are new and different and amazing and you have to once again capture it because it's all over before you get the chance to soak it all up. 

 

My father behind the lens...





I apparently think my baby brother is the BEST THING EVER!
 

 

My brother was approx 2 years old here, and I remember my sister and I having to contain him.  He was more interested in being anywhere but exactly where we needed him to be. 

 

My socks make this shot, just sayin'

 

 

All 3 kids, alive and well.  No one missing.  No one dead. 

 

We all grew up.  A lot less pictures were taken (especially of me, as I ducked out of every shot my dad attempted when I hit age 12).  

you can kind of see why the camera and I didn't get along.  I was, for lack of a better phrase, a fat kid growing up.  I think I was about 14/15 in this picture.  And my brother was The Tallest 11/12 year old you'd ever seen.

 

But we all grew up into our own selves.  We are Grown Ups now.  Wow.  Sorry mom and dad for making time fly so damn fast.

Oct 2010.  6 months after our father died.  A different life time for me.  Before my baby died.

Siblings.  Born March '82, December '83 and October '87.  Looking like mom and dad.  Looking like each other.  But so very much looking uniquely like ourselves. 

***

And I think about Alexander.  As genetics once again play their determined role in shaping the way someone will end up looking... I think about Alexander.  Big brother to Theodore.  Who would he have been?  Would he be tall like his uncle?  Be chubby like his mom?  Be a total short fry like his Italian dad? 

And tell me again why I cant kiss his face as he changes every day... ?

***

When Daniel and I were weeks away from welcoming our first son, we gave in, and let my mother throw me a baby shower.  Because we had JUST MOVED into our new house (and I mean we had been there for a WEEK before the shower date) I took a lot of the planning into my own hands.  I was so nervous about having 20 people over to a half moved in house... with no where to sit... nothing to look at... nothing to do... no where to put their drinks and plates... I needed to know everything that was being planned so I could relax a bit in how I was envisioning everything.

We didn't have a single picture/piece of artwork hung on our walls.  I needed to have something for our guests to occupy themselves with in between games and food and gift opening..

I put together a "slide show" of pictures from when Daniel and I were wee and little.  It kind of went like this...

One of me..

then one of him...

 

One of me...

 

one of him...

 

One of me...

 

And then, you guessed it, one of him

 

While I was co-planning this shower with my mother, I started getting really giddy.  I know, I'd been pregnant for nearly 8 full months, and I was JUST NOW started to get giddy?!?  But yes, it's true.  My unbridled excitement didn't start to set in until the very end.  We were house hunting, I was selling my condo... work was busy busy busy all while I was gestating this perfect man child.  I didn't really have the time to focus to get all gaga over baby life.  I figured the time will come when the baby is here, and I'll without a doubt be busting at the seams with everything baby.  And I was excited throughout my pregnancy... but I just didn't have a lot of time to ACT OUT my excited state.  And planning that shower gave me the time to FINALLY ooze with all things baby that were living inside me.  (no pun intended).

 

And I put together this little slide show (of about 150-200 pictures) and I was getting more and more anxious to finally meet this baby.  To finally SEE this baby.  They are such unknown little creatures inside the womb.. feeling pokes and jabs.  But not ever able to put a face to the fetus - the mysterious world of growing babies.  So suspenseful.  We didn't have a 3D ultrasound because I wanted my first time seeing this baby be in the flesh, as I put it.  I wanted to see him OUT, and no other way before that.  (HUGE regret now, but such is life).

 

As Theo is looking more and more like me as he grows up into his babyhood.. I cant help but think that Alexander would have been the spitting image of his father.  Maybe Theo will change and look more like Daniel as he grows into boyhood.  But for now, he's his mommy's son for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

That's me and Daniel.  It was January of 2009.  An innocent time.  A time before life and my waistline was blown up and changed to the point of no return by the loss of our first child.  I remember that couple.  I remember smiling like that.  I miss those days.

 

Now we are people who have made babies. 

 

 

One that fills our lives with the business of having a child, and the sleep deprivation of having a baby...

 

 

cat watching

And one that will never grow.  One that will always be just a baby.  With tiny chubby hands, and perfect lips.  One that I will never know how he would have grown up to look just like his dad, or be a pretty little boy and take after his mom. 

***

I think back to the time when it was just me and my sister. 

 

 

 

When it was her looking just like our mother... and me looking just like our father.

Two siblings, same gender, so close in age. 

 

And I want to know Alexander.  I want to see him grow up. 

 

Instead, I look at pictures of Daniel when he was a boy... and I look for pieces of my son who I will never know.

 

***

 

I don't believe in signs anymore.  Or maybe I do, but I cant bring myself to ponder what kind of sign my stillborn son might have been.  But recently I noticed a picture hanging in Daniel's parents house.  It is in their bedroom, above their light switch.  It caught be off guard.  I have probably seen it before.  I most likely had seen it before I ever had any children. 

 

It is baby Daniel.  With an "A" and the number 1 next to him.

 

 

Is this a sign?  Would Alexander be daddy's boy?  Daddy's little twin?

 

Who ever he would have been, and however he would have turned out after taking a dip in our gene pool, I miss him.  I miss everything about him, and everything I'll never know.

October 15th

To all the beloved babies across the globe

Gone too soon

Loved beyond measure

I will light a candle for you today

Remember you always

And love you forever

 

***

 

To my Alexander

Mommy loves you



Included

It was Daniel's parents anniversary at the end of August. 

Every year, Daniel's sisters coordinate for all the grandkids to get together, and they do a picture and gift it to their parents.

Last year... well last year I don't know what happened.  I was 5 months out from losing Alexander when (I'm guessing) the coordinating was being done... and one day in August I saw a picture of 6 grandchildren in matching outfits (the girls were wearing dresses with a floral print, and the 2 boys were wearing white tops and blue shorts), including a 1 and half month old chubby little baby boy, front and center. 

I wouldn't say my heart felt like it was ripped out.  No.  I already felt like that on a daily basis.  It felt like the wind got knocked out of me.  It was one of the first (among many) things that I physically saw Alexander left out of.  Not because there was a rift between me and other family members... not because we were away on holidays when the photo was being organized... no.  It's because he was dead.  I didn't even know that this act of organizing and taking a picture was being done.. and then POW, all of a sudden I see them all, together, one missing, framed and smiling.

ah, it was tough.

This year, I was emailed in July asking about outfits, and time and places for the picture.  I was happy that I had Theodore to be part of the picture... but I know that one boy would still be missing.  No matter how many of my living children are able to make the photo op, one little man will always be missing.

This was the picture from this year.

8 grandchildren.  One missing.

 

 

Alexander would have been 3 and half months older than that little boy sitting next to his grandfather.  Instead, there is little Theodore.  Propped up on his Nonno's knee.

 

***

 

One day a few weeks ago, one of Daniel's sisters asked me if I saw their father's truck recently.  They got those cute decals to go on the back. 

 

"It's of all the grandkids - it was the second half of the anniversary present"

 

I hasn't noticed.  I didn't see it.  And I didn't want to either. 

 

I said, "No, I must have missed it" and nervously smiled, trying to hide the fact that my heart was breaking as we casually chit chatted about all the grandchildren. 

 

And then, face.book had me take notice whether I liked it or not.

 

My throat closed, and my heart warmed and ached all at once.

 

 

One of Daniel's sisters had a comment below...

 

 

 

He was included.

 

I wanted to go to the back of the truck and touch that little baby.  Kiss his face and tell him how much I miss him. 

 

But I know he's not in that decal.  I know he's still dead.  And I am crushed with these evident facts.  But I was so happy to see my boy, lined up with all of his cousins.

 

And I was so touched by Daniel's sisters for including Alexander.

 



The Held Baby

 

So that's me.  And that's Theodore.  Just a few days shy of 2 months old, being carried up to his crib ready for bed after being fed to the point of being drunk with milk.  I could have switched shoulders, shifted up or down on my body.. probably could have even dropped him and he would stay sleeping.  (but no, we don't drop babies in this house).

 

At this point in time, Theo was sleeping roughly 4.5-5.5 hours (a few times he did 6!) every night in his crib, swaddled.  He would then wake, and feed for about an hour.. and then be put down again, swaddled, and would give us another 2-4 hours in his crib.  We thought we had it bad.  We thought Theo should be sleeping better for the second half of the night.  We were constantly getting up and trying to comfort him at 4 in the morning so we could all get a few more hours of uninterrupted sleep.  He was always so gassy, and grunty during that second half.  We thought we needed to do a, b, or c to improve upon our nights.  We thought the feed should last 20 minutes, and back to bed he should go, with little effort.  We thought it could be so.much.better in how we all were getting our rest.

 

Well... if we only knew then how good we had it.  What I wouldn't do for 4.5 solid hours of sleep these days.  Oye.

 

I don't know the exact week when things started to change... but I'll go back a bit to see if I can put some of the pieces together.

 

We were having a few issues with breastfeeding after the 1 month mark. 

 

(And by few issues I mean extreme pain, burning, itching, shooting stabbing pains going through my breasts after feeds.  I'll spare you all the details and sum it up.  Poor latch.  Vaso spasms.  A Clamping little mouth.  Compressed nipples.  Lazy baby.  Frustrated baby.  Impatient Mom.  Emotional Mom.  At-her-wits-end Mom.  Slight tongue tie for Theo.  Removed.  Everything got worse.  SO MANY LC APPOINTMENTS.  House visit from LC/RN.  A few hundred dollars later, and a shitload of good advice = breastfeeding problems fixed.)

 

But it was around the 8 week mark when we had that LC visit us at home, and she discussed everything from feedings to sleeping to temperament.  And we mentioned to her that Theo had lost his ability to sleep on his own for day time naps.  He would get put down... and if not within a few minutes, he would wake within 20-40 minutes and just be over tired and cranky... and a be eye tee see aych to put down there after.  So we were always on the couch, very still, for hours at a time while this kid napped.

 

She had 2 words of advice.  "WEAR HIM".

 

She was a bit of a hippy herself, and said that her approach with babies is always very common sense.  If a baby wants to be held, you hold him.  If they want to eat, you feed them.  If they want to be put to sleep, you do what it takes to get them to sleep.  Rocking, singing, shushing or alternatively, you wear them.  She was in her late 40's/early 50's and had 2 girls of her own.  She told us her second daughter pretty much lived on her for the better part of her first 2 years.  Her first, she could put her down anywhere, and she'd stay put.  Every baby is different, and it's our job as parents to read their cues, and accommodate their needs.

 

I get it.  I'm sooo for that.

 

But Theo doesn't sleep on his own now.  EVER.  And we are a mess in this house. 

 

After that LC appointment, breastfeeding got better within a few days... and I had a few carriers and slings just waiting to be used... so I started wearing Theo around the house for his day time naps.  At this point, I was already doing 2/3 daytimes naps with Theo in my arms.  So I tired wearing him to see if I wouldn't feed so trapped every time a nap was in the cue.  In Theory, this would mean I could eat, go to the washroom and putter around the house doing simple tasks (or at least that's what our LC told us baby wearing would equal) and Theodore would stay sleeping in the wrap and get whatever rest he needed.  After a few naps I realized that even though I wasn't exclusively couch bound when Theo napped... I wasn't that much better off in wearing him.  He woke easily, and as the days and weeks passed... it just got easier to stay put and rest with him on the couch so he could get his sleep.

 

And I don't know when exactly it happened.  But Theo started waking at night after being put down to sleep after 1-2.5 hours.  The first few nights, we were shocked and amazed and tried to analyze everything from room temperature to the tightness of the swaddle to outside noises... and after about a week's time, we were mortified (strong word, I know) that he was continuing to wake after just a few hours.  Teething was the issue - or at least we are saying so - but there seems to be no end in his behavior in sight. 

 

To give me a break, at the 2-3 hour mark when Theo wakes, Daniel gets up and rocks him back to sleep... and in recent night has continued to hold him until the 4-5 hour mark from the last feed would roll around, and he would then hand him off to me to eat. 

 

Because of my absolute sheer exhaustion, I've decided to co-sleep.  After feeding, I would just slide Theo off my lap into the bed next to me... and try to get some rest myself.  Re-swaddling or placing in the crib has resulted in a baby waking up every 20-40 minutes...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. 

 

After the first few nights, every time Theo would stir (usually around the hour mark of his sleep) I'd just pull my boob our and nurse him a bit.  He usually wouldn't even drink, and just needed to pacify.  Horrible strategy?  Probably.  But after just a few intervals of 10-30 minutes of rest in a 4 hour timeframe, it's all I had left in me to do. 

 

I've gotten a bit better at co-sleeping.  I'm able to fall asleep faster and cash in on the precious minutes Theo stays sleeping next to me.  But he's still such a poor sleeper. 

 

For the past few weeks, our nights pretty much go like this:

 

- 7-7:30pm Theo gets a bath

 

- 7:30-8:30pm Theo eats until his hearts content - or until he falls asleep

 

- 8:30-9pm Theo gets put down in the crib, swaddled (WE HAVE TO START WEENING BUT ARE SO TERRIFIED WE WONT GET ANY SLEEP OF OUR OWN.  But at this point, what have we got to lose??)

 

- Anytime between 11:30pm-1am... Theo wakes.  Daniel gets him back to sleep again with a few laps around the bed and light humming.

 

- sometime between 1:45-3am Theo gets handed off to me to eat.

 

- He feeds while sleeping for about 15-25 minutes.  He no longer poo's in the middle of the night feed (yay!) so no diaper change needed.

 

- Anywhere between 1:45am-3:30am, Theo is put next to me and I do my best to get comfortable and we sleep.

 

- Within an hour-2 hours... Theo is stirring to the point where I'm awake, and will soon wake himself.

I scoop him up and put him on my chest.  He falls asleep again for about an hour.  I try to cat nap, but continuously have to pat his bum to keep him asleep every 10-20 minutes (if not every 2-5 minutes).

 

- By 5:30am, I just cant take it anymore... I feed him again, and pass him off to Daniel to take downstairs.

 

- From 6am-8am... I get the best quality sleep of the entire night.  Sometimes it lasts until 9am.  During these hours, Daniel is downstairs with Theodore.  He's usually propped up on the couch with Theo on his chest.  Theo usually needs a lot of assistance to stay sleeping during these hours.  Daniel says he sleeps... but the bags under his eyes tells me he does not. 

 

So yeah, we have totally REGRESSED with sleep.  Or Theo has.  Or we have let him.  5.5 hours + 1 hour feed + another 2-3 hours sounds HEAVENLY right now. 

 

Theodore is roughly 4 and half months old, and we fell off the rails with sleep around 2 and a half months old.  People could say it was his shots (which he got at 11 weeks old) that changed his sleep... but we were noticing his sleep abilities change around 9-10 weeks.  The vaccinations, in my opinion, made no difference in Theo's temperament or sleeping abilities. 

 

Everyone we know who has had babies are telling us it's his teeth.  He's been a drooling fool since about 7 weeks old.  But is this how it's going to be forever until he's done with teething?  Or when the first tooth cuts, will it get better? 

 

People have said to try a pacifier.  We did.  Theo doesn't really take it unless he's in his car seat. 

 

I am welcoming all advice.  If you have a baby that sleeps well, tell me about your friend who has a baby that does not sleep and what they did to survive.

 

I was talking with my godmother the other week, and I told her I just couldn't imagine wanting another baby, ever.  I just cant do this again with sleep.  And I asked her how on earth does anyone want to have more children so soon after having a baby when I can only imagine you're more so under slept with the second?  And she said, "Veronica, some babies sleep better than others.  You're not doing anything wrong, you just have one of those babies."  (My godmother had one of those babies too... and she said the only thing that saved them was when her daughter started solid foods.)

 

But I do feel we're doing something wrong.  I do feel we are molding Theodore's sleep abilities the wrong way. 

 

Do we "cry it out"?  But isn't he way to young?  But if we do CIO, isn't there a better way to survive as we wait for the 6 month mark?  And does sleep training work for all babies?

 

Theodore has been exclusively breastfed since birth.  I've had people *coughs*Daniel's mother*coughs* suggest we try a few ounces of formula before bed.  In which Daniel responded, "he's not a science experiment!"  I agree.  I'm not against formula in any way, but I don't feel that's the answer.  Because you know what else would work?  Whisky.  But I don't think that's the answer either. 

 

(NOTE:  I AM NOT SAYING FORMULA IS A BAD CHOICE IN ANY REGARD!!  I just don't want to interrupt his method of feeding because of sleep issues.)

 

For your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures of "The Held Baby"  Aka, Theodore. 

 

Don't get me wrong... I love love love this kid, and love holding him while he sleeps.  But Life is changing, and Sleep is getting worse for all of us.  And lazy days on the couch are not so lazy when I'm spending the better part of my awake time trying to get him to sleep.



 

 

When Theo was just a wee babe - 2 months old.

Before I knew how much sleep-holding I would actually be doing!

Sometimes, guests come over. 
And if Theo allows it, they can do a holding shift here and there!!
Dan's mom

My mom

Theodore living it up on Dad

chewing his hand off to sleep

Thank goodness for the iPad!

 

 

 

 

Thankfully on Daniel's days off, he does all the holding.  So on days like today, I can blog!

4 Months of Handsome

I haven't come to this space enough to update about this little fellow who has completely changed my life, and turned it upside down in a way I never thought possible.

He is turning into such a little person of his own, I cannot believe my eyes most days.

Still doesn't like sleeping..

.. we gotta work on that... cuz well.. it's getting a little crazy every day with the singing, rocking, shushing, patting, constant holding and coaxing ...

He's doing OK at night.  He's teething, and things were baaaaad for a few weeks straight.  But he's turned a corner again, and is once again (KNOCKS WOOD) doing 4-6 hours when first put down.  Everything else... we're working out the kinks regarding our strategies for success.

Without further ado

Theodore is 4 months old today.  Well done my boy.  Well done.

Looking back

I don't go on Face.Book very much these days.  Today, I had to go into my messages to contact a family friend.  And this was the last of our message history. 

February 24, 2012

8:28am

 

 

Veronica

 

Hi L,
I'm doing ok - not great - but hanging in there I guess. My spirits have changed a bit since you last saw me... I'm feeling kinda discouraged by this whole "over due" status I'm in.

Due date based on my last period put me due at Feb 21. Due date from my first trimester ultrasound (which they say is a little more accurate) put me due for Feb 18. Both days have come and gone... and I'm still reporting news to everyone.... no baby yet.

On Tuesday (Feb 21) I had an ultrasound at North York General to check baby's status as I was closing on 40 weeks pregnant - and everything was good. The score they gave baby and womb were all perfect... they just said baby looks very comfortable and was in no rush to come out. I felt good about the news, but when I had another weekly check with my Doc on Wednesday and she told me my cervix is still 2cm dilated (so very little change in a week) and the head hasn't dropped at all. I got pretty down. She'll be leaving for her vaca today, and I'm going in this morning to see her one last time, and she's going to stretch my cervix to see if we can kick start labour for the weekend. I have another ultrasound at NYGH on Monday considering I dont deliver, and then an appointment with the doctor who is covering my doc later in the day to discuss inducing me before next weekend.
I've been in a funk the past few days with a constant feeling of "whats the hold up???" and I cant help but start to feel like something's wrong with me. I have a lot of anxiety as I'm kind of lingering in "unsafe" territory with baby inside and approaching 41 weeks pregnant. Something just feels very strange as my reality is very different now from what I had perceived the end of Feb to look like.

No matter the outcome, I will promise to keep in touch. N called the other night asking about baby news.. and it's getting tough to keep reporting the same news. Nope, no baby. Kinda makes me sad.

 
N had plans to come to Toronto for the end of FEB to stay with me as a house guest for a few weeks.. but these plans were kind of based on baby already being here and settled in with me and Daniel. N is still planning on beginning her stay sometime next week... but I dont think she'll be at my place until after baby arrives and Daniel and I have had some time to adjust.

Depending on how things unfold with me over the next week - I would love to have a lunch or dinner (or just some couch time!) with you and N in the near future.

Thanks L for simply being here if I need anything

Lots of love and hugs,

Veronica

 

 

I've reread that message probably 100 times.  But it's been a while now since Theodore's been here.  It still makes my heart ache.  It still has me trying to grasp at what went wrong... still has be doubled over inside trying to fix the past, trying to go back and make it right before it went wrong.  I remember sitting in my dining room writing that message.  It was morning, and I had a bit of a breakdown in the car on the way to that doctors appointment.  The appointment where she told me everything was fine.  Where she told me I'd have the baby before the weekend was over.  Where she told me things were perfect as she listened in on his heart with the Doppler for all of 5 seconds.  Where I walked away feeling like I should feel okay before that's what I was being told to do.

I read that message and I feel like I knew.  I knew then that things weren't OK, but I let it go because I didn't know any better. 

I still cant believe I had him alive, and I had him well... and I didn't get to have him that way forever.

An Answer

I had my postpartum check up on Friday.  I was 8 1/2 weeks postpartum.

It felt so good to bring Theo there.  He had been there so many times in another form as I had weekly appointments and bio physicals... it didn't feel like his first time there.

I definitely felt different.  Looking at all the pregnant bellies, I felt way less threatened by the assumed safe arrival of all these little beings being carried around by their confident mothers.  I wasn't completely out of the woods with my emotional state.. but having Theodore with me, in my arms, alive - it did make me feel like I can play this pregnancy/having a baby game too.

My appointment was pretty quick... she didn't examine me "down there" as I had a really good delivery and didn't require any stitches.  I had been concerned about crazy amounts of cramping and spotting at 6-7 weeks PP.  A few days there was fresh looking blood... and I was sure I didn't heal properly, or that a piece of the placenta was still stuck up here (thank you google for letting me entertain that possibility), but at 8 and a half weeks, I wasn't spotting.  My OB told me that up until 10 weeks... spotting is still considered normal.  And the cramping, well, she feels safe in assuming it's all due to breastfeeding. 

She finished the appointment with asking me how my mind, heart and soul were feeling.  And that's where things got interesting.  I broke wide open with everything I've been feeling.  The on and off feelings of extreme agitation and frustration followed by slaps in the face of grief and GUILT.  The overwhelming feeling of defeat and at a loss in what to do with my loss.  I cried, and Daniel held and shushed Theo, and my OB listened. 

She assured me I was and am NORMAL.  Considering my history, she suspects everything to be a little more magnified.  She tried to convince me that these transient feelings don't have a lasting affect on Theo.  "He won't remember, he won't hold it against you".  I strongly believe that we as human beings are super absorbent in our emotional atmosphere starting at a very young age.  Coming from a somewhat of a "broken" household (parents separating when I was 5, but with things not working long before a single baby was born) with lots of yelling and fights (behind closed doors...), I can attest that even if you don't have vivid memories of how things were exactly - you still feel it.  It still hangs on to you, and then surfaces in other areas on your adulthood. 

But she said if I didn't feel like I was going to lose my mind some days... then she'd consider me NOT normal.

Anyway... she wanted me to see one of the grief counselors to rule out any postpartum depression. 

"As long as you're not having any thoughts of harm towards yourself, your baby or others, I don't think this is postpartum depression.  Well.. you're allowed to have appropriate thoughts of harm towards the baby and others, so don't worry..."  She's funny sometimes.  That's why I like her.

I had to get my thyroid tested too as it's been up and down since my pregnancy with Alexander.  I've been instructed to do so many different things by all the doctors that have cared for me.  I told my OB during my pregnancy with Theo that I wanted to get it looked at once and for all, and determine if I actually have hypothyroidism, or if it's just caused by pregnancies.  When I was pregnant with Alexander, by OB at the time told me I needed a low dose... and I think she retested and increased in in the beginning of my third trimester... or I could be wrong.  I do remember she tested it when I was 35ish weeks, and she told me to stop the medication cold turkey so my thyroid could get itself back to normal when I'm postpartum.  I've since learned that that was a very wrong thing to do, and I should have continued on the supplement as there's a huge demand on the thyroid in the third trimester.  My current OB has a background in endocrinology, and let me know that in most cases, if on thyroid meds during pregnancy, they should be INCREASED in the third trimester. 

Yet another factoid in my pregnancy with Alexander that could have been a contributor towards his death.  I'll never know.

My thyroid went a little hyperactive when I was postpartum after Alexander,.. but by the time 4-5 months rolled around, it was super low again, and it was probably the reason I miscarried the extremely short pregnancy I had in July '12.

So I voiced to my OB that I wanted to get this shit figured out, because I know it can MESS YOU UP if something is wrong and goes untreated.  She told me that she'd refer me off to a specialist after I delivered Theo, and that gave me a lot of peace of mind.

At the visit, I told her that I only had 3 tablets left of my current synthroid (which treats LOW thyroid - or hypothyroidism).  She was the one that instructed me to continue taking the same does I had taken BEFORE my pregnancy with THEO.  I told her that I wasn't on any meds before my first pregnancy... and when I called to book my postpartum back in early May... the receptionist told me that Dr. W instructions were to be on whatever it was I was taking before THIS pregnancy.  So I stopped the increased dose which was prescribed in my third trimester with Theo, and went back on the dose I was one while trying to conceive back in August '12.

I had blood work done, and my doctor put a "stat" on the results as she wanted to make sure if I needed to stay taking any dose of synthroid, she could write me a script.

I went off to see the counselor, and she was super nice and super supportive.  She too told me I sounded very normal, and a huge contributor of PPD is sleep deprivation.  I told her that if she asked anyone, they'd tell you I'm very passionate and at times over the top with my emotional approach.. but I'm not a loose cannon.  But lately, I feel like one!  I told her I don't feel myself at all, and that I was VERY surprised with how I was managing my temper and overall emotional state.  I told her I was getting to the point where even when I have the opportunity to sleep (LIKE RIGHT NOW AS THEO HAS BEEN NAPPING PERFECTLY FOR 2 HOURS =D!!), I cant.  I cant shut down.  I feel like I'm over the edge with catching up... that if I get my 4-6 broken hours at night,... then it's enough to keep me going without a nap during the day.  It's not healthy, mind you, and I don't feel good.  I USED to be able to nap a few weeks back and felt A LOT better when I was able to recharge during the day.  But ever since his sleeping during the day has been so random... I cant sleep.  I get anxious that he'll wake any second, and I can't get myself in that zone.  I'll feel my body get warm, and my mind start to let go.. and then POW, I lose it, and I'm awake.  And it's piling up, and I can feel REAL sleep deprivation setting in. 

She talked about making plans to have someone over a few times a week to help with me Theo.  Just to take him off my hands after a feed, and then I go upstairs and try to check out as long as possible.  She asked if Daniel was able to take an extra day off a week just until I catch up.  But I feel like it's a losing battle.  I expressed that the pressure to sleep is almost worse.  If I know someone is coming to help... and I DON'T sleep.. or Theo doesn't settle to the point where I cant hear him through the house... it's like we lost.  We all lost.  The helper loses, and I lose.  And then I feel worse. 

Anyway, we went back and forth on how to get me more rested more frequently... and I told her I'd work on a solution with Daniel's family as they're the closest in vicinity. 

She asked me to call her back and make an appointment in a month or so to touch base.  I really liked her... so I probably will.

After our session, I went back to my doctors receptionist and asked if my results were in.  She pulled up my file, and printed the results and told me she'd grab Dr. W in between patients and get her to review the results.

I sat in the jam packed waiting area and was so freaking thankful I was no longer pregnant and needed to be part of this mess of a long wait to see her and saw Maria snag Dr. W.  I saw her look at the print out.  I saw her look up for me in the sea of people.  I saw her march over, locking eyes with me.. and knew something was up.

"Ok, those 3 tablets you have ... flush them!  get right of them... don't dare take another pill.  Your thyroid is extremely high.  The normal range is 3-7.. and the highest acceptable is 12.  Yours is at 31!"

"31?!? what the hell?? is that why I have trouble falling asleep during the day when I'm so OVER TIRED??"

"I'm surprised you've slept at all!  This explains so much, especially the agitation and short temper."

And that's it folks.  Well, it's not IT it.. but it's a bit of it.  A big contributor.  I stopped cold turkey on Friday... it's going to take up to 2-4 weeks for the synthroid to completely leave my system, but I'm so looking forward to more normal feelings.  My doc told me to come back and retest in 2 weeks, and if my levels haven't shown signs of returning to normal.. she's going to send me off to a specialist.

This new found information has lifted a lot of the guilt, and I was breathing easier when I went home.  

And now here comes the part where I immediately felt completely ripped off in experiencing pure, unbridled joy upon the arrival of my rainbow baby because my hormones were truly fucked up to no fault of my own, and how my feelings of having a "do over" were coming back into play...

We'll see how I'm feeling in 2 weeks.