Everything is okay.
Everything is so very wrong.
There is an army of emotions to sift through.
But I've just been quiet lately. In life, and online. Really really quiet.
There has been lots of noise around me. Work. Family. Birthdays. Holidays. A New Year. New pregnancies. New babies. And I have been... quiet.
I want it all to go away. I want it all to stop. I want to go back to January 2012, and remember what it feels like to almost have him here. I want to go back to February 2012 and get him out before it was too late.
I want it all to be different.
I don't want to get upset when other people tell me they're pregnant.
So, I just stay quiet. This is a road I walk alone. Keeping to myself, not interested in how your baby is growing (and how you already know your due date, and that your baby will be here for next Christmas, too).
I am in a Twilight Zone. Everything going on around me is seen through a Twilight Zone fog. It's not supposed to be this way. Your first child isn't supposed to be born weeks or months after my second born...but what seems like my first... No. I had my first. I'm supposed to have my first. Here. Almost a year old. And I'm supposed to be watching your life unfold without a second thought. Without a care in the world...
I am alone. People say hurtful things, and they think they're being helpful.
"Everything will be okay this time..."
"Leave it up to God, and this one will be okay. This time will be okay..."
"Guess what? I'm pregnant too! At least you don't have to go through this alone..."
"So there will be two new babies for next Christmas... isn't that great?"
I remain quiet.
It's all too much.
I couldn't get it all out if I tried. Times like these, I'd like to be able to spit fire when I speak... so they know. ... so they know I'm not okay with what is happening all around me. And that no, I don't care what's happening in your life. I just want my son back. My first born. My missing one.
He is not a pregnancy gone wrong. He is not a tragedy that will soon be fixed, or healed, or better, or easier.
He is my everything. And no one around me understands how much I miss him.
He came into my life, and changed everything.
Sept 21, 2011 - Really starting to grow - 18w4d
Sept 28, 2011 - Well, hello there little BOY - 19w4d
Nov 24, 2011 - Not too sure how in the world I got so lucky - 27w5d
Dec 20, 2011 - Holding my 28th birthday present - 31w3d
Dec 20, 2011 - Getting really comfortable in my new skin - 31w3d
Jan 22, 2012 - Home stretch. And stretch my belly did... - 36w1d
 |
| Jan 29, 2012 - A baby shower thrown for us with friends - 37w1d |
Feb 4, 2012 - I thought this could be it. Everyone told me I'd go early... so I captured a shot whenever I got a chance - 38w0d
Feb 5, 2012 - ...but we made it to our second shower thrown by Daniel's mother - 38w1d
Feb 6, 2012 - Every day could have been "the day" he decided to come... so we waited - 38w2d
Feb 16, 2012 - ... and waited - 39w5d
Feb 19, 2012 - I was officially "over due". Any day now, they told me, any day now... - 40w1d
***
I am now doing time. Waiting ...?
Quietly...
Not just to get to the other side of this subsequent pregnancy ...
23w3d
Not just to meet this next child...
But forever. I'm doing time. Forever without him.
Oh Veronica. Your photos are beautiful - thank you for sharing them. I'm so, so sorry Alexander isn't here. It is so hard and awful and sickening to miss someone so much and to be so misunderstood. Not a pregnancy gone wrong, not at all. A son who should be here with you - your baby boy. Thinking of both our little A's tonight.
ReplyDeleteThere you are. So much going on, yet quiet. Don't wake the beast. Let it slumber or it will eat everything in it's path. Harumph! Everyone said all that stupid shut to me too, about lightning not striking twice and how fine everything would be. What do they know...
ReplyDeleteAlexander... Look at that boy grow. Your belly so big and filled with his life! It makes me so incredibly sad to see all that, him, you, destroyed by tragedy that should never happened. So alone, aren't we all. So alone. We have eachother .., it's not enough. We'd rather have our babies. I'm so so sorry this happened to you, to me, to us.., so much expectation. All the way there. Waiting just waiting.., and then gone and we are still waiting. Forever. Sending love.
Oh what gorgeous pictures. Thank God you took them, right? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteStay quiet as long as you want. Sometimes it's all you can do during the madness.
Seeing Alexander growing in your belly is awesome! He is definitely not a pregnancy gone wrong. He is your beloved son and the tragedy is not his beautiful life, but rather his absence everyday after.
ReplyDeleteWe are here, abiding with you, understanding some (maybe even most) of what you feel, hoping and praying for a healthy little sibling for Alexander. Of course as Renel said, it is not enough. But still, I send love.
Hope, gorgeous glowing blooming stretching
ReplyDeleteHope, crushed shorn pierced bled blackened
by
Death, unwanted unwelcome uncompromising unmerciful
Death, hanging haunting threatening shoving
Death
*****
Oh, God, how I hope for all to be well
and yet know
it will never, ever, possibly
be well again.
Not without Alexander.
Oh yes, I remember you, Mother and Son,
xo CiM
Doing time without him. Yes, yes I get this.
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear from you, although it's perfectly okay and understandable to want to keep quiet.
You look lovely when you're hugely pregnant.
Who is the second baby who will be here for Christmas?? Is it your sister's?
"I just want my son back. My first born. My missing one."
ReplyDeleteYes. Me too. My irreplaceable, missing, always missing son.
Your photos are so beautiful, Veronica.
I'm thinking about you all the time and holding you and Alexander and Alexander's sibling tight in my heart.
Tash xx
Oh those photographs. Oh but they break my heart. You look so beautiful and . . . .oh it's just so very, very unfair. He should be here. Alexander should be here.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard, people try to be kind but the things they say sometimes sting and leave you feeling more alone, no matter how well intentioned.
You've been in my thoughts. I wish that this could be easier. I wish that it wasn't all so wrong. I wish it could be different.
But as my wishes cannot change one single thing about this world, I'm hoping. Hoping for you and for Alexander's little brother or sister xo
Been wondering about you. I understand the quiet.
ReplyDeleteThose photos break my heart. I have such a difficult time with my own pregnancy photos because I now know the ending and I wish so bad that I could change things.
Thankful for his life, no matter how short.
Those photos are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing them - your love and joy for Alexander shine through for sure. How can it be that he's not here? He was just.right.there.
ReplyDeleteHolding vigil with you even though you're quiet. I take breaks from the internet, too, because sometimes it's all just too much.<3
Just thinking of you today. xoxo
ReplyDelete