Another scan...

With not so great results.

I'm up at 3am, can't sleep and am a nervous crying mess.  I'm going back next week for another, "otherwise unscheduled" scan.  Because of one thing.

My fluid levels increased severely over the past 4 weeks.  I'm now measuring at 30+ cm at 32 weeks, when 25 cm is considered the ceiling to "the higher end of normal".  I was 23.5cm at 28 weeks.  I knew something was up...but no one wanted to let me "go there" with the possibility that this could be an early sign of something being wrong.

I had a freak out after my last appointment with my OB at 30 weeks with that student by her side.  The next day at work, I felt like I didn't feel baby enough.  I felt tons of activity in the morning while laying in bed...but then an all too quiet baby while at work.  I took myself into triage.  They ran a strip, and did an ultrasound.  Baby was head down!  Flipped.  Yay!  That's why I couldn't feel baby as active during the day.  Just taking some down time after it's little adventure.  I went home feeling kicks and rolls in all the right places.  (I wrote a blog post about it all...never got around to finishing it, and/or posting it.  Boo for me.). A few days later, after stupidly spreading the news that baby is now head down...I was sure I felt another flip.  And all last week I couldn't tell what was what.

The ultrasound yesterday showed baby is breech.  Again.  Still?  Whatever.

They said this is why baby is still breech.  There's too much fluid to swim around in, and the excessive size of my uterus isn't encouraging a permanent lifestyle change.  The baby is now measuring at 4.4lbs, and I'm terrified that I'll have a malformed baby with defects in its skeletal structure.  The ultrasound showed it's bum right up against my cervix, legs curled up against my left side with kicks against my lower left half.  The back and spine seen arched along my right side... and head tucked under my right ribs.  Curled up like a giant "C" in there.  I guess when he turned down earlier this month, he easily bobbed back up as there's nothing keeping him restricted in one place. 

Of course I read on a million reasons why fluids can be high, and digestive system defects pop off the pages.  Fluid is building because of a possible blockage in the digestive tract.  Or maybe baby isn't able to take in any fluid at all, and is just continuously peeing with out cycling it.  I read about such things when I was 28 weeks, and measuring at the higher end of normal at 23.5 cm.  No one wanted to validate my concerns that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't be so high.  When the ultrasound doctor told me that they had increased to a level that was now "questionable", I was so frustrated.  I knew it.  Fuck.  And a month has now gone by, and this baby has been bobbing around in what only seems to be increasing fluid levels.  And now, they want to do another scan to see if they can determine a cause.  Maybe baby isn't swallowing. 

I knew it.  I've felt it.

It's true...this baby does not hiccup.  Alexander got the hiccups all-the-time in the third trimester.  He was so perfectly perfect it breaks my heart. 

I tried to comfort myself in the early weeks of my third trimester in that the reason I couldn't feel hiccups was because of the babe's position.  But no - I cant feel them because they're not happening.  This babe hasn't swallowed an ounce for his own good health this entire time.

Yeah, it's a he.  I'm having another boy.  Might as well get it all out in the open now as I'm seriously doubting the overall health, and/or chances of living that he'll have.  My desires to keep it a surprise until the end are fading as it'll be pretty anticlimactic if his gender reveal is over casted by his death. 

And I cant help it.  I don't believe he'll live.  I don't believe that he'll be ok.  It's all happening.  It's all showing it's ugly dead baby truth.  If one can die, while perfectly healthy,... then they'll all die. In me.  Only in me.  Everyone else will have complicaitons leading to beautiful, healthy living children.  But not me. 

One of the worst parts of today (yesterday now) is that my doctor was on vacation.  It's "March Break" here where I am, and she took the week off.  She's got kids... they're out of school this week... so it's natural for parents to take this week off too. 

I had to see her substitute - or "partner" as she calls it.  But they are not equal in their practices.  Dr. C is knowledgeable and all, but couldn't hold a candle to Dr. W.  Dr. C was half there, half not there in all the questions I was asking.  Daniel got comfort from her answers, but I could tell she was giving text book "worst case scenario" and "safe" answers as any OB would.  She talked about draining the fluid with a needle through my belly (!!!), suggesting I take myself into triage if I feel shot of breath or if my contractions turn painful (no shit).  But she hasn't been with us, side by side, in this pregnancy as Dr. W has.  I kept pushing to see my doctor next week asap for another scan as the doctor who did the follow up after the scan told me that was the next step.  And Dr. C kept saying... "sure, and I'm here next week too...so whatever works out with scheduling".  I thought, you're here now too! and not doing much for me!  get a clue!

Another stress.  The receptionist (who I love) is on vacation next week, and some girl down the hall is handling all of Dr. W's appointments next week.  So when I went to see her to book another appointment with Dr. W, she told me not to worry.  Told me Dr. C would fill in Dr. W first thing Monday, and Ashley would give me a call to tell me when my scan would be.  Ashley?  Who the fuck is Ashley, and what the fuck does she know about how important it is to make sure I get in again next week? 

Fuck.  This sucks. 

And I cant feel him as much as I used to.  There's a ton of fluid separating his jabs and pokes from the exterior of my belly... so it's like feeling someone giving you a high five while holding a water balloon.  Very wobbly and jiggly. 

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.  No.  A balloon really.  About to burst.  I'm a huge indoor pool with it's lid on... ready to down my child.