Saturday, 16 March 2013

Another scan...

With not so great results.

I'm up at 3am, can't sleep and am a nervous crying mess.  I'm going back next week for another, "otherwise unscheduled" scan.  Because of one thing.

My fluid levels increased severely over the past 4 weeks.  I'm now measuring at 30+ cm at 32 weeks, when 25 cm is considered the ceiling to "the higher end of normal".  I was 23.5cm at 28 weeks.  I knew something was up...but no one wanted to let me "go there" with the possibility that this could be an early sign of something being wrong.

I had a freak out after my last appointment with my OB at 30 weeks with that student by her side.  The next day at work, I felt like I didn't feel baby enough.  I felt tons of activity in the morning while laying in bed...but then an all too quiet baby while at work.  I took myself into triage.  They ran a strip, and did an ultrasound.  Baby was head down!  Flipped.  Yay!  That's why I couldn't feel baby as active during the day.  Just taking some down time after it's little adventure.  I went home feeling kicks and rolls in all the right places.  (I wrote a blog post about it all...never got around to finishing it, and/or posting it.  Boo for me.). A few days later, after stupidly spreading the news that baby is now head down...I was sure I felt another flip.  And all last week I couldn't tell what was what.

The ultrasound yesterday showed baby is breech.  Again.  Still?  Whatever.

They said this is why baby is still breech.  There's too much fluid to swim around in, and the excessive size of my uterus isn't encouraging a permanent lifestyle change.  The baby is now measuring at 4.4lbs, and I'm terrified that I'll have a malformed baby with defects in its skeletal structure.  The ultrasound showed it's bum right up against my cervix, legs curled up against my left side with kicks against my lower left half.  The back and spine seen arched along my right side... and head tucked under my right ribs.  Curled up like a giant "C" in there.  I guess when he turned down earlier this month, he easily bobbed back up as there's nothing keeping him restricted in one place. 

Of course I read on a million reasons why fluids can be high, and digestive system defects pop off the pages.  Fluid is building because of a possible blockage in the digestive tract.  Or maybe baby isn't able to take in any fluid at all, and is just continuously peeing with out cycling it.  I read about such things when I was 28 weeks, and measuring at the higher end of normal at 23.5 cm.  No one wanted to validate my concerns that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't be so high.  When the ultrasound doctor told me that they had increased to a level that was now "questionable", I was so frustrated.  I knew it.  Fuck.  And a month has now gone by, and this baby has been bobbing around in what only seems to be increasing fluid levels.  And now, they want to do another scan to see if they can determine a cause.  Maybe baby isn't swallowing. 

I knew it.  I've felt it.

It's true...this baby does not hiccup.  Alexander got the hiccups all-the-time in the third trimester.  He was so perfectly perfect it breaks my heart. 

I tried to comfort myself in the early weeks of my third trimester in that the reason I couldn't feel hiccups was because of the babe's position.  But no - I cant feel them because they're not happening.  This babe hasn't swallowed an ounce for his own good health this entire time.

Yeah, it's a he.  I'm having another boy.  Might as well get it all out in the open now as I'm seriously doubting the overall health, and/or chances of living that he'll have.  My desires to keep it a surprise until the end are fading as it'll be pretty anticlimactic if his gender reveal is over casted by his death. 

And I cant help it.  I don't believe he'll live.  I don't believe that he'll be ok.  It's all happening.  It's all showing it's ugly dead baby truth.  If one can die, while perfectly healthy,... then they'll all die. In me.  Only in me.  Everyone else will have complicaitons leading to beautiful, healthy living children.  But not me. 

One of the worst parts of today (yesterday now) is that my doctor was on vacation.  It's "March Break" here where I am, and she took the week off.  She's got kids... they're out of school this week... so it's natural for parents to take this week off too. 

I had to see her substitute - or "partner" as she calls it.  But they are not equal in their practices.  Dr. C is knowledgeable and all, but couldn't hold a candle to Dr. W.  Dr. C was half there, half not there in all the questions I was asking.  Daniel got comfort from her answers, but I could tell she was giving text book "worst case scenario" and "safe" answers as any OB would.  She talked about draining the fluid with a needle through my belly (!!!), suggesting I take myself into triage if I feel shot of breath or if my contractions turn painful (no shit).  But she hasn't been with us, side by side, in this pregnancy as Dr. W has.  I kept pushing to see my doctor next week asap for another scan as the doctor who did the follow up after the scan told me that was the next step.  And Dr. C kept saying... "sure, and I'm here next week whatever works out with scheduling".  I thought, you're here now too! and not doing much for me!  get a clue!

Another stress.  The receptionist (who I love) is on vacation next week, and some girl down the hall is handling all of Dr. W's appointments next week.  So when I went to see her to book another appointment with Dr. W, she told me not to worry.  Told me Dr. C would fill in Dr. W first thing Monday, and Ashley would give me a call to tell me when my scan would be.  Ashley?  Who the fuck is Ashley, and what the fuck does she know about how important it is to make sure I get in again next week? 

Fuck.  This sucks. 

And I cant feel him as much as I used to.  There's a ton of fluid separating his jabs and pokes from the exterior of my belly... so it's like feeling someone giving you a high five while holding a water balloon.  Very wobbly and jiggly. 

I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.  No.  A balloon really.  About to burst.  I'm a huge indoor pool with it's lid on... ready to down my child. 


  1. Jesus, this is terrible. I have nothing useful to say except that I hear you and I feel dread and helplessness for you. I don't pray in any formal sense but I will be thinking about you and hoping hard for your baby's safety and health and that maybe there's some justice in the universe. Sending you strength.

  2. I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't want to sound all Pollyanna, but I've also been in a subsequent pregnancy when I thought there was no way my baby would live. Until he was born, I didn't believe it. I was in serious shock for days when he lived. So hang in there. Thinking of you and will be until we hear from you again do please keep us posted. Sending love.

  3. First- congratulations on Alexander's brother. Another boy? Amazing.

    Hoping that the fluid sorts itself out quickly and that you get some answers. Are you seeing Dr Whittle? I've heard nothing but good things about her.

    xox momma. Breathe in, breathe out. Go in whenever the need hits you- when you can't feel the baby, when your anxiety is at a high... It's all you can do.

  4. Oh Veronica. I'm sorry you have so much to worry about and I am basically enraged that the universe allows so much shit to be heaped on one person. I'm thinking of you and Alexander's little brother and hoping that everything is ok, though I know how hard - impossible? - it is to believe in a good outcome for ourselves. Just keep pestering doctors and going to the hospital as much as you need to for 'peace of mind.' Sending love. Wishing there was more to do.

  5. Yay for a little brother. I'm sorry things are so stressful! I am so hopeful that this scare is just a scare and that babe will be healthy and in your arms soon! And yes, keep going in whenever you need to for short term or long term monitoring-whatever it takes to keep breathing and getting through each day! I know it is sorry consolation but there are lots of people thinking good thoughts and praying for you and your boys!

  6. I had the exact opposite, no fluid. None. I am so sorry this pregnancy isn't completely without complications. I'm sending light and love and strength.

  7. I suspected you were a boy mama.

    I'm so sorry you have to have a scare - because holy hell, it's scary enough even if everything goes perfectly effing normal.

    Pester the shit out of those doctors.

    Hoping and praying for good health for this little babe and peace of mind for you. Ugh. I'm just so sorry for the stress.

  8. This post knocked all the wind out of me. Your fears are so real and so valid. I know just how impossible it is to keep your mind from worst case scenarios.

    Keep going in as often as you need to. That's what doctors and hospitals are there for.

    Congratulations on another baby boy. Sending love and light your way.

  9. I'm glad you have Alexander's baby brother growing inside you. I hope that your worst fears are only fears and not any of the things that it may be that are not good. I know the feeling of everything falling apart. And a subsequent pregnancy is beyond taxing. I hope you get some answers from your doctor next week. Sending love.

  10. Oh love. Oh I'm just so sorry. This situation sounds so frightening and it must be so frustrating not to have your concerns taken seriously. I've had excessive fluid in both my pregnancies, obviously with the twins it was (maybe) a sign that something was wrong. With R, it just seems to have been one of those things. I was induced at 38 weeks because of it. I didn't feel him hiccup much at all but that might have been because of the anterior placenta. And he was fine, just fine. One of my friends had amniotic fluid drained during pregnancy and her little boy is also here, just fine. And I don't know why I feel the need to come out with some random collection of anecdotes because I know that they don't really help. All that WOULD help would be if I could tell you, somehow, what is going to happen to YOUR boy. But I can't do that. I'm hoping so much that everything works out for your second little son.

    Oh geesh, I just wish it could all just be straightforward and easy for you. And for your doctor to be away too is just terrible timing. I hope that, when Dr. W. is back, you will be able to get the care you need and some straight answers. Hang on in there, thinking of you and your boys xo

  11. Oh Veronica, i'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Mine was the opposite, head down at every single scan and low fluid.

    Keep going to the hospital, tell them to check your baby whenever you have a doubt.

    I'm thinking about you, hoping Dr. W. gives you some answers next week.

    Congratulations on your second son. Love to you and both your boys. xxx

  12. I just want to echo all of the above and let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that things can be simply resolved and that your sweet little boy will be safely delivered to you.

  13. I'm sorry you have so much to worry about and I am basically enraged that the universe allows so much shit to be heaped on one person.


    Thank you, March is for daffodils - I will have to borrow this.

    And I will borrow from C.W. too, who elsewhere penned "incandescent with rage," because that is how I feel, Veronica, to know that you are being put through an even tighter wringer than the one you were already in.

    I just hate it. I do pray and I will pray that your son lives and breathes and grows and thrives

    knowing all too well that prayers

    But, nonetheless,

    xo CiM

  14. Awful. Awful, awful, awful! You have enough stress to manage already. I'm so sorry you're facing this complication.

    Like others have said, do whatever you must to survive each day. Literally one day at a time.

    And keep growing Alexander's little brother.

  15. Well, shit. I'm so sorry. This is just not okay. I know that there are so many things that could be going on, and I just have my fingers crossed for the best possible outcome for you and Alexander's little brother. It sounds like you have all of the words going on in your brain that I would be having, too. It's all so terribly stressful. Sending so much love to you<3

  16. I'm thinking about you and your boys. Sending love xoxo

  17. Very late to this. As usual. I thought your posts were in my feed. Too many BLMs to keep track of (how horrible is that!?).

    I am freaking crossing all my everything for you.

    You know my story. Stillbirth at 38w5d. Subsequent pregnancy with (alive) Benjamin, I was also heavy on the fluid. I was 28+cm at 36 weeks. The big concern was that my waters would break and the cord would come first, making it an emergency situation and automatic c-section. Which isn't bad, but who wants an emergency delivery when you had a stillbirth?

    When they broke my waters, thankfully no cord came. They did it very carefully. It was easily over a gallon of fluid and took ages. It was also one of the reasons they induced a week prior.

    Benjamin was also a flipping fool because of all the fluids. He was breech one minute, head-down the next. Once I went in for my OB appt at 36w6d, they just sent me to the hospital because we didn't want to risk it any longer, and he was head-down and we wanted to keep it that way.

    I hope, hope, hope things go well for you, too.