To all the beloved babies across the globe
Gone too soon
Loved beyond measure
I will light a candle for you today
Remember you always
And love you forever
***
To my Alexander
Mommy loves you
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Included
It was Daniel's parents anniversary at the end of August.
Every year, Daniel's sisters coordinate for all the grandkids to get together, and they do a picture and gift it to their parents.
Last year... well last year I don't know what happened. I was 5 months out from losing Alexander when (I'm guessing) the coordinating was being done... and one day in August I saw a picture of 6 grandchildren in matching outfits (the girls were wearing dresses with a floral print, and the 2 boys were wearing white tops and blue shorts), including a 1 and half month old chubby little baby boy, front and center.
I wouldn't say my heart felt like it was ripped out. No. I already felt like that on a daily basis. It felt like the wind got knocked out of me. It was one of the first (among many) things that I physically saw Alexander left out of. Not because there was a rift between me and other family members... not because we were away on holidays when the photo was being organized... no. It's because he was dead. I didn't even know that this act of organizing and taking a picture was being done.. and then POW, all of a sudden I see them all, together, one missing, framed and smiling.
ah, it was tough.
This year, I was emailed in July asking about outfits, and time and places for the picture. I was happy that I had Theodore to be part of the picture... but I know that one boy would still be missing. No matter how many of my living children are able to make the photo op, one little man will always be missing.
This was the picture from this year.
8 grandchildren. One missing.
Every year, Daniel's sisters coordinate for all the grandkids to get together, and they do a picture and gift it to their parents.
Last year... well last year I don't know what happened. I was 5 months out from losing Alexander when (I'm guessing) the coordinating was being done... and one day in August I saw a picture of 6 grandchildren in matching outfits (the girls were wearing dresses with a floral print, and the 2 boys were wearing white tops and blue shorts), including a 1 and half month old chubby little baby boy, front and center.
I wouldn't say my heart felt like it was ripped out. No. I already felt like that on a daily basis. It felt like the wind got knocked out of me. It was one of the first (among many) things that I physically saw Alexander left out of. Not because there was a rift between me and other family members... not because we were away on holidays when the photo was being organized... no. It's because he was dead. I didn't even know that this act of organizing and taking a picture was being done.. and then POW, all of a sudden I see them all, together, one missing, framed and smiling.
ah, it was tough.
This year, I was emailed in July asking about outfits, and time and places for the picture. I was happy that I had Theodore to be part of the picture... but I know that one boy would still be missing. No matter how many of my living children are able to make the photo op, one little man will always be missing.
This was the picture from this year.
8 grandchildren. One missing.
Alexander would have been 3 and half months older than that little boy sitting next to his grandfather. Instead, there is little Theodore. Propped up on his Nonno's knee.
***
One day a few weeks ago, one of Daniel's sisters asked me if I saw their father's truck recently. They got those cute decals to go on the back.
"It's of all the grandkids - it was the second half of the anniversary present"
I hasn't noticed. I didn't see it. And I didn't want to either.
I said, "No, I must have missed it" and nervously smiled, trying to hide the fact that my heart was breaking as we casually chit chatted about all the grandchildren.
And then, face.book had me take notice whether I liked it or not.
My throat closed, and my heart warmed and ached all at once.
One of Daniel's sisters had a comment below...
He was included.
I wanted to go to the back of the truck and touch that little baby. Kiss his face and tell him how much I miss him.
But I know he's not in that decal. I know he's still dead. And I am crushed with these evident facts. But I was so happy to see my boy, lined up with all of his cousins.
And I was so touched by Daniel's sisters for including Alexander.
Saturday, 31 August 2013
The Held Baby
So that's me. And that's Theodore. Just a few days shy of 2 months old, being carried up to his crib ready for bed after being fed to the point of being drunk with milk. I could have switched shoulders, shifted up or down on my body.. probably could have even dropped him and he would stay sleeping. (but no, we don't drop babies in this house).
At this point in time, Theo was sleeping roughly 4.5-5.5 hours (a few times he did 6!) every night in his crib, swaddled. He would then wake, and feed for about an hour.. and then be put down again, swaddled, and would give us another 2-4 hours in his crib. We thought we had it bad. We thought Theo should be sleeping better for the second half of the night. We were constantly getting up and trying to comfort him at 4 in the morning so we could all get a few more hours of uninterrupted sleep. He was always so gassy, and grunty during that second half. We thought we needed to do a, b, or c to improve upon our nights. We thought the feed should last 20 minutes, and back to bed he should go, with little effort. We thought it could be so.much.better in how we all were getting our rest.
Well... if we only knew then how good we had it. What I wouldn't do for 4.5 solid hours of sleep these days. Oye.
I don't know the exact week when things started to change... but I'll go back a bit to see if I can put some of the pieces together.
We were having a few issues with breastfeeding after the 1 month mark.
(And by few issues I mean extreme pain, burning, itching, shooting stabbing pains going through my breasts after feeds. I'll spare you all the details and sum it up. Poor latch. Vaso spasms. A Clamping little mouth. Compressed nipples. Lazy baby. Frustrated baby. Impatient Mom. Emotional Mom. At-her-wits-end Mom. Slight tongue tie for Theo. Removed. Everything got worse. SO MANY LC APPOINTMENTS. House visit from LC/RN. A few hundred dollars later, and a shitload of good advice = breastfeeding problems fixed.)
But it was around the 8 week mark when we had that LC visit us at home, and she discussed everything from feedings to sleeping to temperament. And we mentioned to her that Theo had lost his ability to sleep on his own for day time naps. He would get put down... and if not within a few minutes, he would wake within 20-40 minutes and just be over tired and cranky... and a be eye tee see aych to put down there after. So we were always on the couch, very still, for hours at a time while this kid napped.
She had 2 words of advice. "WEAR HIM".
She was a bit of a hippy herself, and said that her approach with babies is always very common sense. If a baby wants to be held, you hold him. If they want to eat, you feed them. If they want to be put to sleep, you do what it takes to get them to sleep. Rocking, singing, shushing or alternatively, you wear them. She was in her late 40's/early 50's and had 2 girls of her own. She told us her second daughter pretty much lived on her for the better part of her first 2 years. Her first, she could put her down anywhere, and she'd stay put. Every baby is different, and it's our job as parents to read their cues, and accommodate their needs.
I get it. I'm sooo for that.
But Theo doesn't sleep on his own now. EVER. And we are a mess in this house.
After that LC appointment, breastfeeding got better within a few days... and I had a few carriers and slings just waiting to be used... so I started wearing Theo around the house for his day time naps. At this point, I was already doing 2/3 daytimes naps with Theo in my arms. So I tired wearing him to see if I wouldn't feed so trapped every time a nap was in the cue. In Theory, this would mean I could eat, go to the washroom and putter around the house doing simple tasks (or at least that's what our LC told us baby wearing would equal) and Theodore would stay sleeping in the wrap and get whatever rest he needed. After a few naps I realized that even though I wasn't exclusively couch bound when Theo napped... I wasn't that much better off in wearing him. He woke easily, and as the days and weeks passed... it just got easier to stay put and rest with him on the couch so he could get his sleep.
And I don't know when exactly it happened. But Theo started waking at night after being put down to sleep after 1-2.5 hours. The first few nights, we were shocked and amazed and tried to analyze everything from room temperature to the tightness of the swaddle to outside noises... and after about a week's time, we were mortified (strong word, I know) that he was continuing to wake after just a few hours. Teething was the issue - or at least we are saying so - but there seems to be no end in his behavior in sight.
To give me a break, at the 2-3 hour mark when Theo wakes, Daniel gets up and rocks him back to sleep... and in recent night has continued to hold him until the 4-5 hour mark from the last feed would roll around, and he would then hand him off to me to eat.
Because of my absolute sheer exhaustion, I've decided to co-sleep. After feeding, I would just slide Theo off my lap into the bed next to me... and try to get some rest myself. Re-swaddling or placing in the crib has resulted in a baby waking up every 20-40 minutes...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
After the first few nights, every time Theo would stir (usually around the hour mark of his sleep) I'd just pull my boob our and nurse him a bit. He usually wouldn't even drink, and just needed to pacify. Horrible strategy? Probably. But after just a few intervals of 10-30 minutes of rest in a 4 hour timeframe, it's all I had left in me to do.
I've gotten a bit better at co-sleeping. I'm able to fall asleep faster and cash in on the precious minutes Theo stays sleeping next to me. But he's still such a poor sleeper.
For the past few weeks, our nights pretty much go like this:
- 7-7:30pm Theo gets a bath
- 7:30-8:30pm Theo eats until his hearts content - or until he falls asleep
- 8:30-9pm Theo gets put down in the crib, swaddled (WE HAVE TO START WEENING BUT ARE SO TERRIFIED WE WONT GET ANY SLEEP OF OUR OWN. But at this point, what have we got to lose??)
- Anytime between 11:30pm-1am... Theo wakes. Daniel gets him back to sleep again with a few laps around the bed and light humming.
- sometime between 1:45-3am Theo gets handed off to me to eat.
- He feeds while sleeping for about 15-25 minutes. He no longer poo's in the middle of the night feed (yay!) so no diaper change needed.
- Anywhere between 1:45am-3:30am, Theo is put next to me and I do my best to get comfortable and we sleep.
- Within an hour-2 hours... Theo is stirring to the point where I'm awake, and will soon wake himself.
I scoop him up and put him on my chest. He falls asleep again for about an hour. I try to cat nap, but continuously have to pat his bum to keep him asleep every 10-20 minutes (if not every 2-5 minutes).
- By 5:30am, I just cant take it anymore... I feed him again, and pass him off to Daniel to take downstairs.
- From 6am-8am... I get the best quality sleep of the entire night. Sometimes it lasts until 9am. During these hours, Daniel is downstairs with Theodore. He's usually propped up on the couch with Theo on his chest. Theo usually needs a lot of assistance to stay sleeping during these hours. Daniel says he sleeps... but the bags under his eyes tells me he does not.
So yeah, we have totally REGRESSED with sleep. Or Theo has. Or we have let him. 5.5 hours + 1 hour feed + another 2-3 hours sounds HEAVENLY right now.
Theodore is roughly 4 and half months old, and we fell off the rails with sleep around 2 and a half months old. People could say it was his shots (which he got at 11 weeks old) that changed his sleep... but we were noticing his sleep abilities change around 9-10 weeks. The vaccinations, in my opinion, made no difference in Theo's temperament or sleeping abilities.
Everyone we know who has had babies are telling us it's his teeth. He's been a drooling fool since about 7 weeks old. But is this how it's going to be forever until he's done with teething? Or when the first tooth cuts, will it get better?
People have said to try a pacifier. We did. Theo doesn't really take it unless he's in his car seat.
I am welcoming all advice. If you have a baby that sleeps well, tell me about your friend who has a baby that does not sleep and what they did to survive.
I was talking with my godmother the other week, and I told her I just couldn't imagine wanting another baby, ever. I just cant do this again with sleep. And I asked her how on earth does anyone want to have more children so soon after having a baby when I can only imagine you're more so under slept with the second? And she said, "Veronica, some babies sleep better than others. You're not doing anything wrong, you just have one of those babies." (My godmother had one of those babies too... and she said the only thing that saved them was when her daughter started solid foods.)
But I do feel we're doing something wrong. I do feel we are molding Theodore's sleep abilities the wrong way.
Do we "cry it out"? But isn't he way to young? But if we do CIO, isn't there a better way to survive as we wait for the 6 month mark? And does sleep training work for all babies?
Theodore has been exclusively breastfed since birth. I've had people *coughs*Daniel's mother*coughs* suggest we try a few ounces of formula before bed. In which Daniel responded, "he's not a science experiment!" I agree. I'm not against formula in any way, but I don't feel that's the answer. Because you know what else would work? Whisky. But I don't think that's the answer either.
(NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING FORMULA IS A BAD CHOICE IN ANY REGARD!! I just don't want to interrupt his method of feeding because of sleep issues.)
For your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures of "The Held Baby" Aka, Theodore.
Don't get me wrong... I love love love this kid, and love holding him while he sleeps. But Life is changing, and Sleep is getting worse for all of us. And lazy days on the couch are not so lazy when I'm spending the better part of my awake time trying to get him to sleep.
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| When Theo was just a wee babe - 2 months old. |
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| Before I knew how much sleep-holding I would actually be doing! |
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| Sometimes, guests come over. And if Theo allows it, they can do a holding shift here and there!! Dan's mom |
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| My mom |
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| Theodore living it up on Dad |
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| chewing his hand off to sleep |
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| Thank goodness for the iPad! |
Thankfully on Daniel's days off, he does all the holding. So on days like today, I can blog!
Friday, 23 August 2013
4 Months of Handsome
I haven't come to this space enough to update about this little fellow who has completely changed my life, and turned it upside down in a way I never thought possible.
He is turning into such a little person of his own, I cannot believe my eyes most days.
Still doesn't like sleeping..
.. we gotta work on that... cuz well.. it's getting a little crazy every day with the singing, rocking, shushing, patting, constant holding and coaxing ...
He's doing OK at night. He's teething, and things were baaaaad for a few weeks straight. But he's turned a corner again, and is once again (KNOCKS WOOD) doing 4-6 hours when first put down. Everything else... we're working out the kinks regarding our strategies for success.
Without further ado
Theodore is 4 months old today. Well done my boy. Well done.
He is turning into such a little person of his own, I cannot believe my eyes most days.
Still doesn't like sleeping..
.. we gotta work on that... cuz well.. it's getting a little crazy every day with the singing, rocking, shushing, patting, constant holding and coaxing ...
He's doing OK at night. He's teething, and things were baaaaad for a few weeks straight. But he's turned a corner again, and is once again (KNOCKS WOOD) doing 4-6 hours when first put down. Everything else... we're working out the kinks regarding our strategies for success.
Without further ado
Theodore is 4 months old today. Well done my boy. Well done.
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Looking back
I don't go on Face.Book very much these days. Today, I had to go into my messages to contact a family friend. And this was the last of our message history.
February 24, 2012
8:28am
Due date based on my last period put me due at Feb 21. Due date from my first trimester ultrasound (which they say is a little more accurate) put me due for Feb 18. Both days have come and gone... and I'm still reporting news to everyone.... no baby yet.
On Tuesday (Feb 21) I had an ultrasound at North York General to check baby's status as I was closing on 40 weeks pregnant - and everything was good. The score they gave baby and womb were all perfect... they just said baby looks very comfortable and was in no rush to come out. I felt good about the news, but when I had another weekly check with my Doc on Wednesday and she told me my cervix is still 2cm dilated (so very little change in a week) and the head hasn't dropped at all. I got pretty down. She'll be leaving for her vaca today, and I'm going in this morning to see her one last time, and she's going to stretch my cervix to see if we can kick start labour for the weekend. I have another ultrasound at NYGH on Monday considering I dont deliver, and then an appointment with the doctor who is covering my doc later in the day to discuss inducing me before next weekend.
I've been in a funk the past few days with a constant feeling of "whats the hold up???" and I cant help but start to feel like something's wrong with me. I have a lot of anxiety as I'm kind of lingering in "unsafe" territory with baby inside and approaching 41 weeks pregnant. Something just feels very strange as my reality is very different now from what I had perceived the end of Feb to look like.
No matter the outcome, I will promise to keep in touch. N called the other night asking about baby news.. and it's getting tough to keep reporting the same news. Nope, no baby. Kinda makes me sad.
N had plans to come to Toronto for the end of FEB to stay with me as a house guest for a few weeks.. but these plans were kind of based on baby already being here and settled in with me and Daniel. N is still planning on beginning her stay sometime next week... but I dont think she'll be at my place until after baby arrives and Daniel and I have had some time to adjust.
Depending on how things unfold with me over the next week - I would love to have a lunch or dinner (or just some couch time!) with you and N in the near future.
Thanks L for simply being here if I need anything
Veronica
Hi L,
I'm doing ok - not great - but hanging in there I guess. My spirits have changed a bit since you last saw me... I'm feeling kinda discouraged by this whole "over due" status I'm in.
I'm doing ok - not great - but hanging in there I guess. My spirits have changed a bit since you last saw me... I'm feeling kinda discouraged by this whole "over due" status I'm in.
Due date based on my last period put me due at Feb 21. Due date from my first trimester ultrasound (which they say is a little more accurate) put me due for Feb 18. Both days have come and gone... and I'm still reporting news to everyone.... no baby yet.
On Tuesday (Feb 21) I had an ultrasound at North York General to check baby's status as I was closing on 40 weeks pregnant - and everything was good. The score they gave baby and womb were all perfect... they just said baby looks very comfortable and was in no rush to come out. I felt good about the news, but when I had another weekly check with my Doc on Wednesday and she told me my cervix is still 2cm dilated (so very little change in a week) and the head hasn't dropped at all. I got pretty down. She'll be leaving for her vaca today, and I'm going in this morning to see her one last time, and she's going to stretch my cervix to see if we can kick start labour for the weekend. I have another ultrasound at NYGH on Monday considering I dont deliver, and then an appointment with the doctor who is covering my doc later in the day to discuss inducing me before next weekend.
I've been in a funk the past few days with a constant feeling of "whats the hold up???" and I cant help but start to feel like something's wrong with me. I have a lot of anxiety as I'm kind of lingering in "unsafe" territory with baby inside and approaching 41 weeks pregnant. Something just feels very strange as my reality is very different now from what I had perceived the end of Feb to look like.
No matter the outcome, I will promise to keep in touch. N called the other night asking about baby news.. and it's getting tough to keep reporting the same news. Nope, no baby. Kinda makes me sad.
N had plans to come to Toronto for the end of FEB to stay with me as a house guest for a few weeks.. but these plans were kind of based on baby already being here and settled in with me and Daniel. N is still planning on beginning her stay sometime next week... but I dont think she'll be at my place until after baby arrives and Daniel and I have had some time to adjust.
Depending on how things unfold with me over the next week - I would love to have a lunch or dinner (or just some couch time!) with you and N in the near future.
Thanks L for simply being here if I need anything
Lots of love and hugs,
Veronica
I've reread that message probably 100 times. But it's been a while now since Theodore's been here. It still makes my heart ache. It still has me trying to grasp at what went wrong... still has be doubled over inside trying to fix the past, trying to go back and make it right before it went wrong. I remember sitting in my dining room writing that message. It was morning, and I had a bit of a breakdown in the car on the way to that doctors appointment. The appointment where she told me everything was fine. Where she told me I'd have the baby before the weekend was over. Where she told me things were perfect as she listened in on his heart with the Doppler for all of 5 seconds. Where I walked away feeling like I should feel okay before that's what I was being told to do.
I read that message and I feel like I knew. I knew then that things weren't OK, but I let it go because I didn't know any better.
I still cant believe I had him alive, and I had him well... and I didn't get to have him that way forever.
I read that message and I feel like I knew. I knew then that things weren't OK, but I let it go because I didn't know any better.
I still cant believe I had him alive, and I had him well... and I didn't get to have him that way forever.
Monday, 24 June 2013
An Answer
I had my postpartum check up on Friday. I was 8 1/2 weeks postpartum.
It felt so good to bring Theo there. He had been there so many times in another form as I had weekly appointments and bio physicals... it didn't feel like his first time there.
I definitely felt different. Looking at all the pregnant bellies, I felt way less threatened by the assumed safe arrival of all these little beings being carried around by their confident mothers. I wasn't completely out of the woods with my emotional state.. but having Theodore with me, in my arms, alive - it did make me feel like I can play this pregnancy/having a baby game too.
My appointment was pretty quick... she didn't examine me "down there" as I had a really good delivery and didn't require any stitches. I had been concerned about crazy amounts of cramping and spotting at 6-7 weeks PP. A few days there was fresh looking blood... and I was sure I didn't heal properly, or that a piece of the placenta was still stuck up here (thank you google for letting me entertain that possibility), but at 8 and a half weeks, I wasn't spotting. My OB told me that up until 10 weeks... spotting is still considered normal. And the cramping, well, she feels safe in assuming it's all due to breastfeeding.
She finished the appointment with asking me how my mind, heart and soul were feeling. And that's where things got interesting. I broke wide open with everything I've been feeling. The on and off feelings of extreme agitation and frustration followed by slaps in the face of grief and GUILT. The overwhelming feeling of defeat and at a loss in what to do with my loss. I cried, and Daniel held and shushed Theo, and my OB listened.
She assured me I was and am NORMAL. Considering my history, she suspects everything to be a little more magnified. She tried to convince me that these transient feelings don't have a lasting affect on Theo. "He won't remember, he won't hold it against you". I strongly believe that we as human beings are super absorbent in our emotional atmosphere starting at a very young age. Coming from a somewhat of a "broken" household (parents separating when I was 5, but with things not working long before a single baby was born) with lots of yelling and fights (behind closed doors...), I can attest that even if you don't have vivid memories of how things were exactly - you still feel it. It still hangs on to you, and then surfaces in other areas on your adulthood.
But she said if I didn't feel like I was going to lose my mind some days... then she'd consider me NOT normal.
Anyway... she wanted me to see one of the grief counselors to rule out any postpartum depression.
"As long as you're not having any thoughts of harm towards yourself, your baby or others, I don't think this is postpartum depression. Well.. you're allowed to have appropriate thoughts of harm towards the baby and others, so don't worry..." She's funny sometimes. That's why I like her.
I had to get my thyroid tested too as it's been up and down since my pregnancy with Alexander. I've been instructed to do so many different things by all the doctors that have cared for me. I told my OB during my pregnancy with Theo that I wanted to get it looked at once and for all, and determine if I actually have hypothyroidism, or if it's just caused by pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Alexander, by OB at the time told me I needed a low dose... and I think she retested and increased in in the beginning of my third trimester... or I could be wrong. I do remember she tested it when I was 35ish weeks, and she told me to stop the medication cold turkey so my thyroid could get itself back to normal when I'm postpartum. I've since learned that that was a very wrong thing to do, and I should have continued on the supplement as there's a huge demand on the thyroid in the third trimester. My current OB has a background in endocrinology, and let me know that in most cases, if on thyroid meds during pregnancy, they should be INCREASED in the third trimester.
Yet another factoid in my pregnancy with Alexander that could have been a contributor towards his death. I'll never know.
My thyroid went a little hyperactive when I was postpartum after Alexander,.. but by the time 4-5 months rolled around, it was super low again, and it was probably the reason I miscarried the extremely short pregnancy I had in July '12.
So I voiced to my OB that I wanted to get this shit figured out, because I know it can MESS YOU UP if something is wrong and goes untreated. She told me that she'd refer me off to a specialist after I delivered Theo, and that gave me a lot of peace of mind.
At the visit, I told her that I only had 3 tablets left of my current synthroid (which treats LOW thyroid - or hypothyroidism). She was the one that instructed me to continue taking the same does I had taken BEFORE my pregnancy with THEO. I told her that I wasn't on any meds before my first pregnancy... and when I called to book my postpartum back in early May... the receptionist told me that Dr. W instructions were to be on whatever it was I was taking before THIS pregnancy. So I stopped the increased dose which was prescribed in my third trimester with Theo, and went back on the dose I was one while trying to conceive back in August '12.
I had blood work done, and my doctor put a "stat" on the results as she wanted to make sure if I needed to stay taking any dose of synthroid, she could write me a script.
I went off to see the counselor, and she was super nice and super supportive. She too told me I sounded very normal, and a huge contributor of PPD is sleep deprivation. I told her that if she asked anyone, they'd tell you I'm very passionate and at times over the top with my emotional approach.. but I'm not a loose cannon. But lately, I feel like one! I told her I don't feel myself at all, and that I was VERY surprised with how I was managing my temper and overall emotional state. I told her I was getting to the point where even when I have the opportunity to sleep (LIKE RIGHT NOW AS THEO HAS BEEN NAPPING PERFECTLY FOR 2 HOURS =D!!), I cant. I cant shut down. I feel like I'm over the edge with catching up... that if I get my 4-6 broken hours at night,... then it's enough to keep me going without a nap during the day. It's not healthy, mind you, and I don't feel good. I USED to be able to nap a few weeks back and felt A LOT better when I was able to recharge during the day. But ever since his sleeping during the day has been so random... I cant sleep. I get anxious that he'll wake any second, and I can't get myself in that zone. I'll feel my body get warm, and my mind start to let go.. and then POW, I lose it, and I'm awake. And it's piling up, and I can feel REAL sleep deprivation setting in.
She talked about making plans to have someone over a few times a week to help with me Theo. Just to take him off my hands after a feed, and then I go upstairs and try to check out as long as possible. She asked if Daniel was able to take an extra day off a week just until I catch up. But I feel like it's a losing battle. I expressed that the pressure to sleep is almost worse. If I know someone is coming to help... and I DON'T sleep.. or Theo doesn't settle to the point where I cant hear him through the house... it's like we lost. We all lost. The helper loses, and I lose. And then I feel worse.
Anyway, we went back and forth on how to get me more rested more frequently... and I told her I'd work on a solution with Daniel's family as they're the closest in vicinity.
She asked me to call her back and make an appointment in a month or so to touch base. I really liked her... so I probably will.
After our session, I went back to my doctors receptionist and asked if my results were in. She pulled up my file, and printed the results and told me she'd grab Dr. W in between patients and get her to review the results.
I sat in the jam packed waiting areaand was so freaking thankful I was no longer pregnant and needed to be part of this mess of a long wait to see her and saw Maria snag Dr. W. I saw her look at the print out. I saw her look up for me in the sea of people. I saw her march over, locking eyes with me.. and knew something was up.
"Ok, those 3 tablets you have ... flush them! get right of them... don't dare take another pill. Your thyroid is extremely high. The normal range is 3-7.. and the highest acceptable is 12. Yours is at 31!"
"31?!? what the hell?? is that why I have trouble falling asleep during the day when I'm so OVER TIRED??"
"I'm surprised you've slept at all! This explains so much, especially the agitation and short temper."
And that's it folks. Well, it's not IT it.. but it's a bit of it. A big contributor. I stopped cold turkey on Friday... it's going to take up to 2-4 weeks for the synthroid to completely leave my system, but I'm so looking forward to more normal feelings. My doc told me to come back and retest in 2 weeks, and if my levels haven't shown signs of returning to normal.. she's going to send me off to a specialist.
This new found information has lifted a lot of the guilt, and I was breathing easier when I went home.
And now here comes the part where I immediately felt completely ripped off in experiencing pure, unbridled joy upon the arrival of my rainbow baby because my hormones were truly fucked up to no fault of my own, and how my feelings of having a "do over" were coming back into play...
We'll see how I'm feeling in 2 weeks.
It felt so good to bring Theo there. He had been there so many times in another form as I had weekly appointments and bio physicals... it didn't feel like his first time there.
I definitely felt different. Looking at all the pregnant bellies, I felt way less threatened by the assumed safe arrival of all these little beings being carried around by their confident mothers. I wasn't completely out of the woods with my emotional state.. but having Theodore with me, in my arms, alive - it did make me feel like I can play this pregnancy/having a baby game too.
My appointment was pretty quick... she didn't examine me "down there" as I had a really good delivery and didn't require any stitches. I had been concerned about crazy amounts of cramping and spotting at 6-7 weeks PP. A few days there was fresh looking blood... and I was sure I didn't heal properly, or that a piece of the placenta was still stuck up here (thank you google for letting me entertain that possibility), but at 8 and a half weeks, I wasn't spotting. My OB told me that up until 10 weeks... spotting is still considered normal. And the cramping, well, she feels safe in assuming it's all due to breastfeeding.
She finished the appointment with asking me how my mind, heart and soul were feeling. And that's where things got interesting. I broke wide open with everything I've been feeling. The on and off feelings of extreme agitation and frustration followed by slaps in the face of grief and GUILT. The overwhelming feeling of defeat and at a loss in what to do with my loss. I cried, and Daniel held and shushed Theo, and my OB listened.
She assured me I was and am NORMAL. Considering my history, she suspects everything to be a little more magnified. She tried to convince me that these transient feelings don't have a lasting affect on Theo. "He won't remember, he won't hold it against you". I strongly believe that we as human beings are super absorbent in our emotional atmosphere starting at a very young age. Coming from a somewhat of a "broken" household (parents separating when I was 5, but with things not working long before a single baby was born) with lots of yelling and fights (behind closed doors...), I can attest that even if you don't have vivid memories of how things were exactly - you still feel it. It still hangs on to you, and then surfaces in other areas on your adulthood.
But she said if I didn't feel like I was going to lose my mind some days... then she'd consider me NOT normal.
Anyway... she wanted me to see one of the grief counselors to rule out any postpartum depression.
"As long as you're not having any thoughts of harm towards yourself, your baby or others, I don't think this is postpartum depression. Well.. you're allowed to have appropriate thoughts of harm towards the baby and others, so don't worry..." She's funny sometimes. That's why I like her.
I had to get my thyroid tested too as it's been up and down since my pregnancy with Alexander. I've been instructed to do so many different things by all the doctors that have cared for me. I told my OB during my pregnancy with Theo that I wanted to get it looked at once and for all, and determine if I actually have hypothyroidism, or if it's just caused by pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Alexander, by OB at the time told me I needed a low dose... and I think she retested and increased in in the beginning of my third trimester... or I could be wrong. I do remember she tested it when I was 35ish weeks, and she told me to stop the medication cold turkey so my thyroid could get itself back to normal when I'm postpartum. I've since learned that that was a very wrong thing to do, and I should have continued on the supplement as there's a huge demand on the thyroid in the third trimester. My current OB has a background in endocrinology, and let me know that in most cases, if on thyroid meds during pregnancy, they should be INCREASED in the third trimester.
Yet another factoid in my pregnancy with Alexander that could have been a contributor towards his death. I'll never know.
My thyroid went a little hyperactive when I was postpartum after Alexander,.. but by the time 4-5 months rolled around, it was super low again, and it was probably the reason I miscarried the extremely short pregnancy I had in July '12.
So I voiced to my OB that I wanted to get this shit figured out, because I know it can MESS YOU UP if something is wrong and goes untreated. She told me that she'd refer me off to a specialist after I delivered Theo, and that gave me a lot of peace of mind.
At the visit, I told her that I only had 3 tablets left of my current synthroid (which treats LOW thyroid - or hypothyroidism). She was the one that instructed me to continue taking the same does I had taken BEFORE my pregnancy with THEO. I told her that I wasn't on any meds before my first pregnancy... and when I called to book my postpartum back in early May... the receptionist told me that Dr. W instructions were to be on whatever it was I was taking before THIS pregnancy. So I stopped the increased dose which was prescribed in my third trimester with Theo, and went back on the dose I was one while trying to conceive back in August '12.
I had blood work done, and my doctor put a "stat" on the results as she wanted to make sure if I needed to stay taking any dose of synthroid, she could write me a script.
I went off to see the counselor, and she was super nice and super supportive. She too told me I sounded very normal, and a huge contributor of PPD is sleep deprivation. I told her that if she asked anyone, they'd tell you I'm very passionate and at times over the top with my emotional approach.. but I'm not a loose cannon. But lately, I feel like one! I told her I don't feel myself at all, and that I was VERY surprised with how I was managing my temper and overall emotional state. I told her I was getting to the point where even when I have the opportunity to sleep (LIKE RIGHT NOW AS THEO HAS BEEN NAPPING PERFECTLY FOR 2 HOURS =D!!), I cant. I cant shut down. I feel like I'm over the edge with catching up... that if I get my 4-6 broken hours at night,... then it's enough to keep me going without a nap during the day. It's not healthy, mind you, and I don't feel good. I USED to be able to nap a few weeks back and felt A LOT better when I was able to recharge during the day. But ever since his sleeping during the day has been so random... I cant sleep. I get anxious that he'll wake any second, and I can't get myself in that zone. I'll feel my body get warm, and my mind start to let go.. and then POW, I lose it, and I'm awake. And it's piling up, and I can feel REAL sleep deprivation setting in.
She talked about making plans to have someone over a few times a week to help with me Theo. Just to take him off my hands after a feed, and then I go upstairs and try to check out as long as possible. She asked if Daniel was able to take an extra day off a week just until I catch up. But I feel like it's a losing battle. I expressed that the pressure to sleep is almost worse. If I know someone is coming to help... and I DON'T sleep.. or Theo doesn't settle to the point where I cant hear him through the house... it's like we lost. We all lost. The helper loses, and I lose. And then I feel worse.
Anyway, we went back and forth on how to get me more rested more frequently... and I told her I'd work on a solution with Daniel's family as they're the closest in vicinity.
She asked me to call her back and make an appointment in a month or so to touch base. I really liked her... so I probably will.
After our session, I went back to my doctors receptionist and asked if my results were in. She pulled up my file, and printed the results and told me she'd grab Dr. W in between patients and get her to review the results.
I sat in the jam packed waiting area
"Ok, those 3 tablets you have ... flush them! get right of them... don't dare take another pill. Your thyroid is extremely high. The normal range is 3-7.. and the highest acceptable is 12. Yours is at 31!"
"31?!? what the hell?? is that why I have trouble falling asleep during the day when I'm so OVER TIRED??"
"I'm surprised you've slept at all! This explains so much, especially the agitation and short temper."
And that's it folks. Well, it's not IT it.. but it's a bit of it. A big contributor. I stopped cold turkey on Friday... it's going to take up to 2-4 weeks for the synthroid to completely leave my system, but I'm so looking forward to more normal feelings. My doc told me to come back and retest in 2 weeks, and if my levels haven't shown signs of returning to normal.. she's going to send me off to a specialist.
This new found information has lifted a lot of the guilt, and I was breathing easier when I went home.
We'll see how I'm feeling in 2 weeks.
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
8 weeks of Theodore
Sleep deprivation is real. When I'm under slept, my world can fall apart. And I don't mean under slept like a night will go by and I didn't get my 8 hours. I mean, 3-4 nights and days where I'm only getting 4 broken hours in a 24 hour period. And this is while I'm already trying to catch up on the sleep I didn't get when Theo first came home. So when a few days go by, and I don't get at least 3-4 hours solid straight SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW, I get pretty rattled.
And that's where I was the other day. We broke Theo's schedule last week.. and we paid for it over the weekend and the start of this week. When I'm in a state of sleep deprivation, I feel like Theo never sleeps, and he always cries. And truthfully, that's not the case. He is a good baby. But when I'm at my worst with sleep and emotions... he can come across as an overwhelming terror. And he is! But on days and weeks where my sleep is up to par, it doesn't seem all that bad. I actually like my day-to-day with him when I'm refreshed and feeling somewhat well rested.
I started recording his naps and night time stretches of sleep because I was convinced that he wasn't sleeping enough for his age.. or was sleeping too much... or I don't know. I was paranoid, and it's a habit I picked up after reading that after 1 month old, babies can sleep 5-6 hours at night, and start feeding every 3-4 hours instead of 2-3. Well, Theo is getting appox. 12-16 hours in a 24 hour period most days. I just didn't believe it because >>>>I<<<< wasn't get such glorious amounts of sleep too.
Anyway... I want to thank you all for the support and love after my last post. It truly was Right Where I Was on that day, in that moment in time. And there are many days like that. But I know things have to get better as he grows and adapts to the world around him.
***
So, I feel super behind in keeping this growing child up-to-date on this blog. I really wanted to blog every week, and show cute pictures of Theo. But getting to the computer in those first weeks out was pretty impossible. We took so.many.pictures of this kid... I really don't know what I'm going to do with them all.
Be prepared to be PHOTO BOMBED with 8 weeks of Theodore!!
I dated every single picture. So if you catch yourself asking, "oh, how cute, I wonder how old he is in this picture...?" Well, he was born on April 23, 2013... and you can do the math from there!
You're welcome :)
4/24/13
not even 24 hours old. I could post about 100 pictures from him in the hospital (because that's just about the number we took of him!) from our 2 1/2 day stay.. but I have to pace myself....
4/27/13
Oh, 27, how you tug at my heart. When I took this photo, I didn't realize it was the 27th to be honest. Theo was just 4 days old... and I was in a sleepless, paranoid haze. But as I compose this post, I think this picture was perfectly taken on the 27th. One boy next to him, and one in his heart and hopefully in his dreams.
4/27/13
still has his chubby cheeks at 4 days old
4/27/13
4/30/13 Theodore @ 1 weeks old!
what a sleepy lookin' fella
4/30/13
What a funny looking jaundice little boy. Thank goodness as you scroll down it only gets better!!
5/3/13
First time sitting in his chair. It was still a little early to pop him in this thing for longer than a few seconds as his head would easily slouch into his chest... but still a cute photo op
5/5/13
still skinny faced and new
5/7/13 Theodore @ 2 weeks old!
5/7/13
A little early for eye contact (or so I was told..) but he'd lock eyes with the camera every now and again. Oh my little old man child :)
5/8/13
I'm assuming all newborn babies make the "crying" face in their sleep... because he's SO OUT in this picture.. but you'd never know from his expression
5/14/13 Theodore @ 3 weeks old!
5/16/13
I just think he's super funny looking in this picture!
5/17/13
Practicing martial arts in his sleep
5/18/13
he was up at 6am (FOR GOOD) on this morning. And he was looking at me - like REALLY looking at me - all like, "What are we out of bed and off the boob for?"
5/18/13
such a little peanut
5/20/13
he used to nap like a superstar in the evenings (not so much now... sigh)
5/20/13
I so wish to find out what is always so damn funny!
5/20/13
It looked to me like he was raising his hand in class. My goodness, he's so small and delicious.
5/20/13
showing him newborn stimulation video's on the iPad for the first time
5/20/13
the forever changing black and white shapes were pretty trippy!!
5/20/13
showing us lots of developmental milestones and followed the iPad where ever we moved it
5/21/13 Theodore @ 4 weeks old!
unfortunately, this is the only picture I have from this day. And Daniel took it, and didn't button his onesie... and I can see his diaper is full of pee. Wonderful.
We have a video from that day... but I it's only exciting to us.
5/22/13
I love his hair
5/23/13 - 1 month exactly
On his way to the doctor's for his 1 month check up
I didn't notice it then, but he was still pretty jaundice. wow.
Here are some shots from (our attempt at) his 1 month "photo shoot", May 23rd 2013
This bear was a gift from Daniel's family on Theodore's birth day.
however, we couldn't get Theo or the bear to cooperate for a good shot...
He ran out of patience pretty fast - and if anyone uses pampers "wet indicator", you can see the blue line on his diaper, and he used to get pretty pissed off when he was wet :(
Daddy changed his diaper, and tried to console him...
This might be the best shot we got...
but ultimately he just wanted to be back with mom
5/25/13
keeping track of his "home coming" outfit. I'll be kinda sad the day he doesn't fit into it any longer. We bought that outfit a few weeks/days (I don't remember right now exactly when we took that leap of good faith) before Theo was born. It was such an awesome feeling to see him wear it the day we brought him home - and I still get that same feeling every time I see him wear it.
5/26/13
such long arms and big hands!
5/26/13
remember this post when I posted a picture of him in this outfit at 4 days old? He's really filling out his car seat now :)
5/26/13
First time meeting his new friends on his activity mat!
5/27/13
5/27/13
big stretches when I unwrap the swaddle
5/28/13
Sometimes we let the cats look after Theo...
5/28/13
...this was purely a coincidence
Roller coaster dreams
5/28/13 Theodore @ 5 weeks!
5/29/13
his favorite place to be.. (well, about 6-8 inches lower, to be exact)
6/1/13
definitely outgrowing his bassinet
6/1/13
hanging out in his chair... enjoying some iPad vision
6/1/13
6/2/13
Theo realizing he actually LIKES bath time. This is him in anticipation.
6/2/13
starting to look more and more like me
6/2/13
"Bath time rocks!"
and is my baby abnormally hairy?! I think so... he's got hairy upper arms and back.
6/4/13 Theodore @6 weeks old!!
somehow he managed to inch down, and get his foot out of the crib. Whenever we manage to successfully have him unswaddled for night time sleeping.. we're gonna have to get our mesh "bumper" pad up.
a smile. he was A-DORABLE while I was obsessively taking his pictures as he was waking up from his morning nap.
6/6/13
I was trying to get a good shot in his "home coming" outfit to show how much he's grown. "One second baby, mommy's almost got it..."
"one more second... the flash is too high.. "
"ok, I got the flash just right..." "ok, ok, ok, no more pictures!!"
6/7/13
chilling out in his chair
6/7/13
lots of love from dad in the evening
6/8/13
6/8/13
I only ever stomach sleep him when he's 100% supervised (and it only started a few weeks ago). I really wish he didn't love sleeping on his stomach so much... because he stopped tolerating sleeping on his back unless swaddled, and somehow we have to stop swaddling all together.. and we'll be completely at his mercy at night
6/10/13
Snug as a bug
6/10/13
but... he grunts and squirms until he breaks free, hits the sides and wakes himself up
6/11/13 Theodore @ 7 weeks old
6/11/13
Cute. All I have to say about this. Cute, cute, cute
6/12/13
graduated out of the bassinet to a playpen
I'd like to mention that Theo DOES NOT SLEEP IN THIS THING FOR MORE THAN 40 MIN AT A TIME AND IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HIS EVENING NAPS ARE A THING OF THE PAST UNLESS HE IS SLEEP *ON* SOMEONE.
6/13/13
going out for a walk with mommy. It's been cold lately.. and Theodore DOES NOT like hats.
6/14/13
already filling out the playpen
6/15/13
4 Generations. Theodore with his daddy Daniel, Daniel's dad and grandfather
6/15/13
We tried to put him down when we got home, but he was kinda wired and overtired.
6/15/13
snuggled up with mommy
6/17/13
starting to find the camera when mommy calls him
6/17/13
more eye contact to daddy while I gave him a bath
So we've seen a few pictures in his chair. But we've been calling it his "poo chair" lately, because like magic... we put him in, sing a song, or play a video... and pow, he'll blow out his diaper. Sometimes it's at night, and sometimes it's during our morning play... but it's a pretty safe bet that he'll poo for us if his bowels are full if placed in that chair.
And yesterday afternoon, for your viewing pleasure, I caught him in action. I was putting him down quickly so I could dash to the restroom... and he got himself geared up...
feeling the rumble..
...bearing down...
state of my diaper = blown out
aaaand I'm done.
*sigh*
He always has this shark fin, or as my aunt called it, "rooster comb" (she said I had it too at this age). But last night, Daniel said, "I got it! I know who he reminds me of..."
And he took this next picture....
"Astro Boy!!"
6/18/13 Theodore @ 8 weeks old!
Ok, ok, ok
I must sleep.
I've been working on this post through out the day. Theo finally went down for his 3-4 hour nap this morning (after three days of NOT NAPPING ROUTINELY SO I COULD SLEEP TOO) and I uploaded all the pix... and I've been working on dating and commenting for the past hour and a half while Theo has been down for the night. Silly silly me... complaining about not getting sleep, and I'm NOT sleeping when my baby sleep.
But I've got to have some balance.
Enjoy, and good night!
p.s
I am not spell checking or proof reading. yikes!
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