..... I just did it.
I just sent an email to my HR department letting them know that I'm "ready" to discuss my return to work plans.
I'm not ready.
I hate this.
I wasn't supposed to come back like this.
I wasn't supposed to be coming back, now.
I went on my leave on January 23, 2012. Used my entire 3 weeks vacation allowed for 2012, and started my maternity leave after that. I was home, happily taking a break while I waited for my due date, February 18, 2012 to roll around to bring me my baby.
I've been working with my company for almost 8 years, and have been a stellar employee - if I do say so myself. I was ELATED to be leaving for a year... and most likely was not going to return after my year off. Not because I wanted to be a stay at home mom, or that I couldn't bear the thought of daycare, or that I didn't have alternative child care options. I wasn't going to return simply because I felt done with this job. It was supposed to be temporary
And oh baby, this was the time.
I've been putting off making my decision for months about what to do about going back.
When I was on that hospital bed, stunned out of my mind with how my life was now unfolding with a dead baby ready to be laboured and delivered... I told myself I was never going back. AND I QUOTE --> N.E.V.E.R going back to this job.
It's not a bad job, really. The hours can be indefinitely long, and scheduling has to be flexible during high season (summer and the holidays), but ultimately, it was because it was something I didn't want to be doing that made it so unbearable, not because the job itself was all that hard...bad...unpleasant...draining...
But it certainly became those things as I looked at my staying put as my own self perpetuating hell.
Pretty heavy to say about work, right? But there's gotta be other people out there that have had it up.to.here with what they do and where they work...
So it made me pretty sick to my stomach that I was entertaining the idea of going back. But as the heavy fog of early grief started to lighten up... I was really trying to figure out what to do with this "in between" time before having another baby. And going back to work always poked at me....
"... you could go back... just for a few months... earn another year off... make some money while you're at it...you're ABLE BODIED, mostly..."
I got an email back in August from my HR department. They gently asked if I had plans to return to work before December. They were trying to get all their eggs lined up for the holidays, and needed to know if I'd be back in my position to run my team for the oh so busy,
I had just miscarried, and didn't think I'd be pregnant again by December, so I thought what the hell... sure, I'll probably be back... I kind of want to ignore the holidays this year anyway... and what better way to do that then drown yourself in work? So I replied to their email with a very loose November return to work date, and I haven't heard from them since.
So here I am. I've given in. I'm pregnant again, and thinking about these next 5 1/2 months is driving me bonkers. Maybe if I have a routine again, a "nine to five", I'll be less likely to drive myself crazy thinking about this pregnancy. ... Maybe not.
But nothing is set in stone. I wrote my email in a very inconclusive manner.
I sent my email seconds before jumping over to blog.ger and nervously composed this post. I've been toggling back and forth to my inbox. I just got a response. They're going to give me a call around 1. It's now 1.
Jesus. I thought I'd have a day or two to be irrationally unhinged about all this.