Thursday, 1 November 2012

A little something

Tuesday, I went in for my "12 week" scan.

There is indeed a baby in there.  And, I'm told it's growing just fine... a smidgen ahead of schedule at that.

I will write more about that another day.  It's been a tough week. 

A lot of emotions I don't quite know how to talk about.

I am still hesitant to talk too openly about this pregnancy - in real life too...some people still don't know - as I feel no promise.  As affirming as that image was supposed to be on that screen, I still don't believe it. 

But, that is for another day...

When we got home on Tuesday, there was a package in our mailbox.  I had ordered this over a month ago... and it arrived on that day.

His name.  His birth stone. 

My son.

I still miss him. 

I still need him just as much as I did in those days when he was alive.  I still ache for him just as I did when I first came home, with empty arms, physically in pain from his absence. 

He is not in my belly, somehow gestating again.

He was not in the mailbox, somehow attached to this necklace. 

He is gone.  Forever. 

It still floors me.


  1. most of us have some piece of honor of them, in remembrance of them. But really it is only a piece of jewelry that is a trinket. What we want is our baby. I have two pieces of jewelry. one in remembrance and one for hope. I will tell you I have gotten very attached to these pieces. I wear one of them everyday. I hope you end up loving your piece.
    So glad the scan went well. each positive step is something to be grateful for.

    1. I do love having his name on me.
      I'm carrying a part of him. And in that, I feel ...good? Closer?
      I'm going to search and or order more. Just cuz...

  2. "He is not in belly, somehow gestating again." I was just thinking as I sang E to sleep how very strange it is that this new baby is a *new* baby, not A all over again, but someone else entirely. Someone who I hope we will get to know, while we will never know A. Thinking of you and your A tonight.

  3. Beautiful necklace. I hope people comment on it - and when they do you have the strength to tell them about your boy. Sometimes when I wear my Cale necklace (which is 90% of the time) I feel anxious - wanting people to ask me. Please, ask who Cale is. Ask me about my son so I can talk about him.

    It'd be so much better to have a boy with me - whose very presence cannot go unnoticed, like that of a necklace.

  4. I've had a very similar week, Veronica. And a very similar 12 week scan. Right there with you. xx

  5. People can be told about your new growing life in due time. I was hesitant because I didn't want anyone to latch onto that new hope as a fix to my heartache and I think most people understood that it was not.

    Your new Alexander necklace is beautiful. It will never be enough, but my Bear necklace has given me something to touch and rub between my fingers when I need to do something with my hands or am nervous or just out of habit now. Just tonight, I opened up a new necklace representing both my boys and I do love it, but I cried as I exchanged one for the other, as if somehow I am betraying my love for Bear as I take off his necklace. But of course my heart has expanded not shrunk.

  6. There are a little group of you all at 12 weeks now. Cling tight to each other, that's how I survived Angus' pregnancy - talking to those who were in the thick of it with me.
    Thinking of you all the time.

  7. I wear Liam's name everyday and it brings me comfort. I touch his necklace or cross my wrist over my heart when I feel anxious or sad. It still floors me that he's gone too.

    Your Alexander necklace is beautiful. I hope it brings you comfort.

    Thinking of you xx

  8. I have a necklace a bit like that but just the silver disc without the stone. Now there are two discs, but just one baby here, which is all wrong, of course. I have a bracelet with E's name on it and I'd thought I would add C to it. But now I think that might just be for E. her physical presence isn't here, so I want her to have something all her own.

    Your necklace is beautiful.

  9. The forever-ness of this missing them is just gut wrenching isn't it! It is the thing I struggle with so much. I too hope people ask you about your necklace, so you can speak Alexander's name, so people know him as part of your life. I too waited a long time to tell people of pregnancy, just take the time you need. Lots of thoughts to you, Di xx

  10. Your necklace is absolutely beautiful. I love the birth stone. Is Alexander's birth stone amethyst? February? Is that right?

    So glad to hear that all was well at the scan.

    But that realisation that . . . . it isn't them, somehow gestating again? That they aren't somehow attached to a necklace? That we can't love them back into life?

    Oh it hurts. Sitting on the floor, right there with you x

    1. You are right.

      Purple has always worn well on me, and I've always been drawn to it.

      You've described the realisation just perfectly.

      I feel like I can love him back into life. It's so impossible that I cannot.