Monday, 29 October 2012

Spoken Word Blog Round-up

(Note: this post and video was written and recorded on Friday October 26, 2012)

Well, I finally did it.  After a lot of stewing about, I finally participated in Angie's spoken word blog round up.

It will most likely be a little underwhelming for most who watch.  I picked my first entry, which is all about a miscarriage I had back in August... but I really didn't have much to choose from, and I did a run through of a few posts earlier this week... and it was taking me 15+ minutes to read them!  I'm a better public speaker when I'm telling some sort of story..reenacting a bit... if I'm strictly emoting, and unzipping my heart for conversation sake... I do better with a person (or people) in front of me (and not so much with the lovely camera in face approach). 

It was hard for me to select a post.  When I read more emotional posts, I felt I couldn't really "go back" to when I wrote it.  I could "go back" in my heart, but it wasn't reading well in my presentation.  My tone of voice was coming across as a ramble, and my reading them felt very disjointed - and ultimately I just couldn't get anything under nearly 20 minutes, and I was certain I'd be boring anyone attempting to watch as I was starting to bore myself - and I almost bailed on the entire thing yesterday.

I finally realized that my iPad has a good set up for recording (I was doing test runs on my black.berry the other day, and it was falling all over the place)... and here is the result.  One try... with a tickle in my throat almost the entire time.  And I think I said "open up my story about my son's loss" and what I meant was "open up about my story about losing my son.." 

video



I hope after this reading, who ever follows this blog feels like they've "met" me a little better.  I watched a few of the entries posted recently, and I cried along with the participants.  I got cold feet, and suddenly felt like my attempts were futile, and I'll have to give it another go with a better post next week.  But I'm not sure I'll follow through.

I know when I read last years entries (over this summer as I picked through some of Angie's archives), I felt more connected to who loses babies.  Every day, common, wonderful, beautiful people.  They were no longer just words on a page, and stories I've read from "authors".  They were people, living in homes across the world. 

So even though my entry isn't all that interesting, or isn't even all that emotionally fuelled (it was at the time of writing it!)... I just wanted to participate so I could carry a bit more of an identity in this community.. and maybe make others who are new to this baby loss world feel like they too have a better understanding of who loses babies. 

I did.  Me.  Hello.  I'm so sorry to meet you like this. 

***

back in real time...Here I am... still trying to get this blasted thing up!  I am very technically challenged, and waited nearly 4 hours for this video to load on Friday night.  Daniel came home, and checked the size, and it was over 330,000 megs!  My recent cat vid's were 30,000 megs, and took less than 10 minutes to upload.  So Daniel shrunk the video, failed, tried a different program to convert, and spent way too much this weekend trying to get it to work, and now it's finally working. 

I saw that my video wasn't going to be synced to the day it was posted, so on Saturday I wrote somewhat of an explanation, and touched on the fact that another 27th has come and will soon be gone.... and then my computer crashed without saving the changes to the post.  My updates to the post along with all the lovely things I said were flushed.

So I will try to pick my brain, and reflect on my lost words from the other night.

I definitely got distracted from my end of the month funk with trying to get myself involved in this project.  When I had some quiet time at home, I'd try to set up my phone to get a good shot for a good read.  By the time the days came to an end, I had only done a dry run through - off camera - of a few posts.  I watched the date and the 20's blew by, and I knew the end of the month - along with my dear 27 - was fast approaching.  But I felt a normalcy about it... an okay-ness

I was going to read "thank god he was ok".  I wanted to connect with the happier residual effects of pregnancy and having a baby.  I wanted to think about memories, and closeness, and talk about him while he was alive.  I tried setting up my phone, and did a "take one".  I cried, and smiled through the entire thing.  I checked my phone - it had stopped recording.  I was frustrated, and knew that another read through would come off as staged.  I almost threw in the towel.  So, Friday midday I on a whim, set up the iPad and picked my first post..and just read it and tried not to sound like a fool.

Anyway... on Saturday I watched the footage back (of what I'm now posting)... and I feel unrecognizable to myself.  I can see I was obviously in a more positive state...ready to speak all 'as-a-matter-of-fact' like about anything.  Not really all that down about anything.  I'm showered, and dressed for pete sake - and not because I have to be!  I don't know where that energy is today... I really don't know if I feel this is a good representation of myself.  I don't think I'll have the opportunity to do this again - I have a busy 2 weeks with my sister coming in from out of town - so this will have to do. 

Until next year... when maybe I'll get it right...

alas... I Will Hit Publish!

5 comments:

  1. Yay! You did a spoken word post! I'm sorry about all the technical issues, that sounds like it all got a bit tricky. Thank you so much for persisting and thank you to your Daniel too!

    How terribly sad and unfair that you read 'thank God he was ok' and it didn't record. Although I think that post would have had me in absolute pieces, to hear it read out.

    It was lovely to hear your voice and to see your face. I remember this post and it was just . . .oh, it was just so sad to read. Because it was not the post that I was expecting. It's such a defeating, crushing thing, to lose another pregnancy. And I was just shocked and part of me sighs and thinks that this is too, too unfair.

    There is something comforting, almost magical, about actually seeing all of these parents, talking, in their homes. That it isn't something that happens to a specific group of people or some sort of curse (I thought I was cursed for a while!) but to . . . well, it happened to me, it happened to you, to Angie, to Jeanette, to Krystal, to Lisa. We can't make it better but I hope we make it feel . . . a little less lonely.

    Thank you for posting Veronica and it is nice to 'meet' you, Alexander's mama xo

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  2. Hi there friend! Nice to see you and hear your voice. So glad you finally joined the community that bouys us in the aftermath of our tragedy. I wish we had never met this way but so glad to have such good company. Hugs to you, thinking of Alexander and hoping for a healthy rainbow baby.

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  3. Thank your for speaking out... good to see you and hear you speak. Been here before but not sure I've commented. So here goes: "Hello. I'm so sorry to meet you like this. "

    I participated in the project last year - not sure if I'll muster up the courage again. Maybe I should read the shortest post ever: "Life will always be minus one".

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  4. Although I have nothing worthy to say and am casting about my empty head for something, anything

    I was deeply touched

    by your Spoken Word post ~

    very much.

    No matter how many times I say

    it's not fair;

    it still isn't.

    Oh.I.Hope.Your.Little.One.Growing.Now.Will.Stay.And.Stay.And.Stay!

    Inside, then outside, then in your arms

    and snuggling your neck.

    I'll cry that day, too - to see your child safe.

    Pulling for you, whole heart, Veronica,

    CiM

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  5. ((((HUGS))))
    I am so sorry you also have to join this "elite" baby loss community, but we are all here to greet you with open arms, hugs, love, understanding, shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. I hope reading aloud in this priject has helped you shift in your giref as it has for me the last 2 years. Grief, it always shifts, moves, shakes, rattles, but sometimes that shifting moves us to a little more stable of grounds, even if for just a bit.
    I have looked at grief this way, like exersizing. When you go head on doing 100 jumping jacks, you will hurt, badly sometimes(as i know from trying P90X, OI!) but consistantly working it out, your body gets used to it and doesnt hurt as much, it makes you stronger, somehow, someway. I have just recently come to that conclusion for myself actually. I hope it is understandable and may help in working through this, for you or anyone else who has to endure this. We just have to learn how to parent an angel instead of an Earth bound child. Its a daily struggle, loving someone whom we cant cuddle, hug and kiss. We are all here for you Veronica. (((hugs)))
    Many hugs and love to you, your husband and your beautiful little boy xoxo

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