Friday, 5 October 2012

All Over the Place

This past weekend Daniel and I, along with a handful of family and friends, attended my sisters’ wedding.  It was a 5 hour drive out of town, and we had to book 2 nights in a hotel because no matter what way we looked at it – we couldn’t make it in and out in one day.  And just a few weeks before the wedding, my sister informed me that she wanted me at the rehearsal dinner as she included my brother and me in the ceremony … and with the following day starting at 1pm, and the reception at 6pm, it sealed the deal with 2 nights at the Best Western, and us being 350$ poorer.  But it’s my sisters’ wedding… so come on, right?! Nickels and dimes! Right?!

Well, it didn’t help that I was completely under enthusiastic about the whole thing.  Leading up to the weekend, I had a lot of “I just don’t give a damn” feelings.  I felt incredibly sad, yes.  We were supposed to be planning this, and accommodating our time around our 7 months old. So the entire ordeal that was her wedding felt very empty to me.  I expressed my feelings to my mother, and brother… but they gently tried to help me see things from another perspective.  “It’s about her.  It’s her day.  One doesn’t have to do with the other”.  I get it.  I know that.  But still.  God, but still.
We were able to get ourselves packed up Friday morning, and I found myself feeling…OK.  Kind of uncomfortably OK.  I was just going through the motions, and got ‘er done.  The drive in was good.  I surprised myself with only one stop needed to pee, and we got to her in-laws farm for dinner.
And it started to unfold.  This feeling.  I’m not jealous, I insisted upon myself.  I’m not bitter.   I couldn’t put my finger on it.  My sister showed up over an hour late, and this melting pot of guests just swirled around me and I felt like I could jump out of my skin, I was so uncomfortable.  I eventually isolated myself to this gazebo style outside room attached to the back end of their farm house, and just waited to be summoned for my part in the rehearsal.  I was a horrible pile of unpleasant hormones and emotions.  My mother found me, and didn’t even have to ask the question.  She knew I was pissed off, and DYING to leave.  The dinner invitation stated 5PM with the bride leaving at 8PM.  It was now 6:30, and NOTHING had happened.  There were sorry excuses for food randomly scattered throughout the house, and people were getting too drunk to care that dinner wasn’t even in sight.  Call me a snob, but  if I invite people over to my place, or eek, host a dinner party, I make sure people are happy.  Everyone was hungry.  Everyone was reaching for conversation, and everyone that wasn’t directly involved with the wedding or the wedding party didn’t know what the eff was going on.  So, on top of my complete disappointment that I wasn’t being hosted to my satisfaction, I was a messy pile of my own grief.  I shouldn’t be here.  This is stupid.  Everyone’s life is so fucking SIMPLE.  I don’t even know who KNOWS about me.  Fuck all of you who do know, and are not giving me some sort of sentiment.  I dunno, I’D say something, do something, if I knew.  I’m not going to make the effort to play normal.  I’m not going to MINGLE!  Could you imagine?? “how many dead children do you have? Oh, none?  Must be nice.  What’s that like??”
My sister planned her entire wedding.  She budgeted everything.  Singlehandedly hired everyone needed.  Picked the time, place, colours, dresses, everything.  It’s been 18 months in the making.  But really, she’s been playing this day over in her head for over 10 years.  I knew that.  It was evident when she rallied us all up, and had a custom made itinerary, full page – front and back, with different colours, fonts, text sizes –  to read from for something that was going to be less than 10 minutes in real time. 
And it hit me again.  This feeling.  Look at her.  Look at everything.  This is all so pointless.  This all means nothing.  ANYONE CAN DO THIS.  This is nothing special.  This is nothing worth celebrating.  A pretty awful way to feel about your sister getting married.  But I couldn’t help it.  I was getting so frustrated with myself that something so important to her was only coming off as something pointless and trivial to me.
Pesky details regarding the ceremony were finally behind us, and it was now time to eat.  IT WAS 7:30.  I checked out the spread.  Cold cuts, cubed cheeses, iceberg salad, and Kaiser rolls.  What-the-fuck.  This is what took an EXTRA 2 and a half hours to prepare?!?!  I was shaking I was so hungry.  But the lonely, pathetic rolled up ham slices had no appeal to me.  I needed out of there, ASAP.  Daniel fixed himself and plate, and wolfed it down and we got the hell out of farm country and to our hotel in downtown Ottawa. 
(Side note:  I love farms.  I love the country.  We had several close family friends growing up who lived on farms, and I have wonderful memories playing in haystacks and barns.  Wearing wellies and walking through poop while petting pigs, cows, horses and chicks.  LOVED IT ALL.  I have farm living associated with fresh foods, colourful spreads, corn on the cob, potato salads, and more.  We had BBQ’s out on the farm that could feed an army.  So… my farm living expectations were not met in my experience above.)
The next morning:

The feeling came to fruition.  I got it.  I understood all that I’d been feeling.
This was all happening for them.  All the planning, and budgeting, and WAITING… it was all finally happening for them.  And there was NO RISK of it being taken away.  They wanted something, they worked for it, and they were in a matter of hours going to get it.  How about that?  Just like that.  And for me and Daniel, it just didn’t. 
“They’re gonna get theirs.  And we didn’t get ours.  That’s why today sucks.” I said to Daniel as I was putting on my make up.  “It's not like they had to survive anything to get here, or do anything particularly HARD to achieve this.  And it’s just so incredibly unjust, I could be sick.”
I know it’s a wedding, and not a child.  But so what.  They’ve been gushing over this for 18 months.  And a full 9 months of those 18, I was pregnant.  I was a very quiet pregnant woman.  I didn’t go ahead and jump into conversations and make everything about my expected arrival…I would sit and listen, and comment on how great everything was going to be on that day (their wedding day), but I’d have my own dialogue in my head.  You’ll have the wedding you always wanted, and I’ll have my child.  Way more exciting, much more anticipated, WAY-BIGGER-DEAL.  And there I was, the morning of her wedding…in the hotel room, just myself and Daniel, facing this nauseating injustice.  I didn’t find anything about the day worth celebrating.  So what?  She’s getting married.  ANYONE CAN GET MARRIED.  As if it’s HARD?!  And I know too much about their union to be expecting monumental, against all odds type years to unfold. 
I’ll bottom line it.  Even though my sister would probably SPIT ON ME in disgust for summing up her marital intentions in this way, but….
She’s almost 31.  All of her high school friends have been married for 5 plus years now, and 90% of those friends have a child.  And, a hand full of said friends are working on their second.  My sister has been in 2 long term relationships that ended because the guys didn’t want to get married “too soon”.  My sister summed them up to be “not marriage material” and was forced to move on… because her end goal has always been to be married and to have children.  AND THOSE ARE NOT BAD GOALS TO HAVE!!  But in my sisters’ case, it seemed more about the end result and less about WHO she reached it with.  Her husband is 24 years old.  He’s younger than our little brother.  She’s on more than one occasion called him by my brother’s name.  She says it’s because they both start with “M”.  ooookaay then….

Now that that’s out in the open, you all can formulate your own opinions. 

Truth of the matter is before I got pregnant… while I was pregnant… I was completely indifferent to what my sister did.  As long as she’s really happy.  That’s all that mattered to me.  But something about the way that this life is all unfolding has got her life really rubbing me the wrong way.  Not fair, not fair, not fair.  I was off doing my own things, living my own life… and now I cant help but feel like I’m desperately needing to play catch up.  She got what she wanted.  She got her happy.  I’m still chasing mine…to no avail.
The ceremony was fine.  There were a few mistakes that I’m sure my sister will NEVER be able to let go once she gets off her wedding day high (music was choppy, and not synchronized.  The song they arranged to walk down the aisle as husband and wife was in the wrong spot when they began their stroll.  Whatever, nothing’s perfect.) 
She threw a little private party for the wedding party and the bride and grooms siblings and dates.  Free booze.  And yes, everyone got all loaded up before the reception.  I for one, stood out like a sore thumb.  I stayed by Daniel’s side as he loosened up, and started to mingle after his third gin and tonic.  I did my best to join into conversations while they were in full swing, not leaving any openings for the dreaded question “so, what have you been up do lately?” 
She had a custom guest book made by Shutterfly.  She had pictures of all 100 guests, and started to pass it around at this pre party for everyone to sign.
I flipped to the back.  I remember her saying she didn’t want anyone to write anything on the back pages as they were in remembrance to those who were no longer with is.  There were pictures of my two grandmothers, and my father.  And that’s it.  “Forever in our Hearts” was written along the bottom of the page.  I could have ripped it out.  What a fucking hack.  MONTHS ago, my sister asked if I wanted her to make something to memorialize my pregnancy with Alexander.  I emailed her back telling her I wasn’t ready and was unable to think clearly about anything like that… but I definitely wanted to do SOMETHING.  And I wrote the line, “9 months in my belly, forever in my heart” as something I wanted to incorporate in a collage, or in a frame…  So when I saw that last page, I could have stopped the show right there.  But I didn’t.  I calmly found my picture, and wrote some cheezey, meaningless sentiment and signed my name.  But you’d better bet that I’ll ask about his absence that day in that book.  Especially after she’s claimed Alexander is an actual absence in her life, and that she thinks of him and misses him in all the ways an aunt would miss their nephew. 
My brother and Daniel walked out of there a little shitfaced.  6 drinks each in just over an hour.  Yeah.  Smart moves on their part.
On to the reception.  That was probably the more tolerable part of the evening.  My brother was pretty persistent with his jokes, and pokes towards the happy couple.  He hasn’t swallowed one bit of their relationship since day one… so this wedding has been front and centre to all things he makes fun of these days.  And hearing him let loose at our table was just what I needed.  
And then my sister said her speech.  And she said a few things that I had to shut out, and not let replay in my mind as reasons to hate her.  She talked about how she looks forward to facing “the challenges” as a couple that life will bring.  She talked about how she’s “been through so much and if it weren’t for Mr. new husband, she doesn’t know if she would have made it”.  She dedicated a part of her speech to my mother… on being a mother… and how that is her lifelong dream.  And how she “knows” what being a good mother means because of my mother. 
I know you don’t have to have a dead baby to know what it’s like to be a mother, or want to be a mother.  But that part of her speech hit a chord with me.  Just let me be the first to flick her on the forehead and tell her to shut the fuck up as she hasn’t a clue as to what she’s talking about.
Dinner was OK.  I’m allowed to be picky and insulting.  My baby died, and I’m gonna call a thing and thing.  The soup was mediocre, and the chicken breast was dry.  It was cheaply catered food.  There, I said it.  La dee da, my baby died, and your wedding sucked and your food was bland.  HA!

The reception plowed through the evening and the dance floor finally opened up.  I got out there with a few of my aunts, and older family friends (as all the occupants on the dance floor under the age of 40 were all the grooms old high school and current university friends… and I didn’t know ANYONE) and did some pretty mean side to side moves.  I had really sparkly shoes on, and I couldn’t deny them a dance floor.  They played the typical wedding party dance songs… YMCA, Macarena, SHOUT!, but the majority of the play list was very much catered to the groom’s generation… lots of top 40, and songs I’d rather not admit to knowing. 

Finally, a few slow songs rotated on the playlist, and I dragged Daniel out of his chair, and we swayed, hugging, and missed our son.  I sang “Don’t wanna miss a thing” and “Always” into his ear as I felt him cry while nestled in my neck.  It was the most bittersweet and heartbreaking part of the night.  But I couldn’t help but feel ever the more in love with him.

We went back to our hotel room at around 1:30AM.  There were still a few people hanging on, including my brother and his date/friend, but for the most part, we were of the last group of people to leave.  When we got back to our hotel room, Daniel broke down.  He told me how much he missed our son.  He told me how much he felt like he was out of place all night, and not a single person could tell.  He told me how celebrating other people’s happiness is impossible after what we’ve been through.  He told me how his heart was breaking every time he looked over at my mother, and caught her alone at her table in between songs, and just thought how she wouldn’t have had a moment to herself on this day of Alexander were here.  I thought that too.  I looked over at her, too, a lot throughout the night.  I wondered if she was missing his presence as much as I was.  I danced with her a few times, and she saw the ache in my heart as I tried to enjoy the evening.  She said, “Don’t worry, the next big party will be for your baby’s Christening”.  I just felt defeated.  God, she tries, and I know it.  But I just wanted her to tell me she missed him. 

Here are a few shots of us after the ceremony.  It was windy, and overcast skies.  My sister ran off with her photographer to get all the pretty shots of bride and groom on a park bench taken…AND, Daniel forgot to bring my camera to the reception… so I don’t have ANY pictures of me and my sister!  She did make for a lovely looking bride… too bad I couldn’t be happier for her.  (But I’m not THAT short sighted in my not gushing over her… she did enough of that on her own.  When we were at that little private in between party before the reception… I can’t remember what we were talking about, but she was standing in front of a mirror, and checking out her waistline….while we were talking.  Turning, slightly twisting to see how much of herself she could see over her shoulder…all whilst we were chit chatting.  She stopped herself, and finally looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I just can’t believe I’m finally looking like this!”  gag.  Sister or no sister… it’s hard to be happy for someone when they’re just so into themselves.  I know she was DYING for everyone to gush over her… but sorry hon, it just ain’t gonna happen coming from me.)
Someone's missing
 With mother and brother
And are we total nerds for doing a DRESS REHEARSAL a week before our trip.  Because we did!  And this is us in front of our home, with the camera on our CAR, timed to catch this shot.  I'm so vain!
Now that you've made your way through this extremely long post about a wedding that means next to nothing to you...
I have some news...
In those pictures...I didn't have a big lunch.  There's a reason why a week before the wedding outside our house I look slightly different than the day of the wedding.  And no, I don't think it's because my hair is down and I'm wearing makeup. 
I will quietly tell you... I'm pregnant.  This time, I hope it's for real.
In the dress rehearsal pic I was 7 weeks, feeling pretty good about myself, and our little secret.  By the time the day of rolled around, I looked like I swallowed a football.  I'm sure everyone could tell, or maybe those that didn't know me just think I'm belly heavy.  But that's what 8 weeks pregnant looks like on me, 7 months after having a full-term baby. 
I've been very apprehensive to release the news.  I'm afraid I'll be back here tomorrow... to tell you all how it's all over...
The more people we've told in real life... the more I feel like it's all a matter of time now until this pregnancy ends too.
We're hoping for the best.  Because man, we need a bit of the best right now.
Hang in there baby, we need you <3


  1. I'm freaking the fuck out! You're PREGNANT. I know tentative feelings and all that. But I can be excited over here. It gave me chills. So much for the fertility candle I was going to send you!! I don't even want to comment on that dumbo wedding. Hang in there lady. It's a bitch of a ride but I'm here for you. Hang in there little baby... Mama needs this to happen. Gah I've still got chills.

    1. Thank you Renel. I'm seriously having trouble getting my head around this whole thing. I'm doing my best to stay positive, and not always assume its inevitable early end.
      I'm sure all the fertile thoughts coming from the handfuls of BLMs I've shared my story with worked just as well, or better, than that candle!! But thank you for the offer!

  2. Oh you look great!, that speech your sister gave would have totally pissed me off, you crack me up. I'm just so hopeful for you.

    1. Just horrible are the cynical outlooks and bitchy thoughts one has after losing a baby, especially when they're towards your sister! But it is what it is right now...and I'm not too forceful with myself to change...yet.
      Of course I'm vain, and think I looked chubby and plump beyond what 8 weeks pregnant should thank you for saying otherwise!

  3. I loved the play by play of the wedding. As I've told you before, I skipped every family get together for a full year after Eliza died because I couldn't handle being there without her. I'm impressed that you danced.

    And MOST IMPORTANTLY! I am so happy to hear that you're pregnant. Knock on wood and spit on the evil eye, I hope you are bringing home a healthy baby in 33ish weeks.

    1. Yeesh, that day was filled with a lot of things not done because I couldn't stand being there in our circumstance. I was supposed to meet my sister in the morning at her house, and get ready with all the gals...all prissy, and 'omg'ish, it's finally here, gasp, faint, let's all help the bride. But I couldn't. I needed quiet and togetherness with Daniel, almost to psyke myself out that I actually had to be here and do this. I texted my sister the morning of, and told her we were behind schedule, and we'd be scrambling. It wasn't true, and I tried not to let her down...but hell, I just couldn't stomach it.

      By the end of the night, I put myself in my own world. No one was actually aware of my state, or my loss, or my for a few songs, I pretended I was alone in my living room in my pj's. It felt kind of liberating.

      I'm trying not to count weeks, or *know* where I'm at with this pregnancy. I haven't been given a due date or anything! But it all won't matter. Just pull this kid when s/he's still alive and well. Please.

      As always, thanks for your support :)

  4. But the lonely, pathetic rolled up ham slices had no appeal to me.


    Well, Veronica, I've been seeing your comments round and about other blogs, and just this morning, said, "Yes, exactly! Quite right!" approximately ten times in the course of reading one you typed.

    And then I saw another, elsewhere, and another...

    and then I decided to come and see you here.

    You deserve a knighthood for surviving that wedding, and especially for not hefting an axe and mowing the happy crowd right down

    which would have been scrumptious.

    But you had more self control

    Which I'm especially glad of, now that I know Alexander has a little brother or sister

    whose mother I'd like to see free
    to welcome (safe, safe, safe, little Baby, safe...)

    Not that the prison of Alexander's missing-ness won't be just as inviolable

    (because it will)

    but I am glad you're here to write and tell and see and sort.

    So, in the end, I'm glad you didn't kill them.

    A la D. Sayers: “Still, it doesn't do to murder people, no matter how offensive they may be.”

    That wedding tale, though, I must peruse again
    to tell


    Gratefully rambling,

    Cathy in Missouri

    1. What a pleasure it is to find you here.
      I've seen you around, and I too have let out a 'damn straight!' while reading your take on this life. Thank you for reading, and for your support. And your lovely complimenting comment.
      The happy crowd was a tempting target for my angst and destructive thoughts...but I let them be. I let them live. They don't know how thankful they should be. I AM the only reason they continue to exist. No, no. I kid. But you can see how my mind works at times.

      Thanks for the love. I'm hoping hoping hoping this all goes well.

  5. Wow!!! Here I was about to go off about your sister and that damn memorial page in the book and how awful that was and how she acts a whole fucking lot like my sister--but now I am smiling and happy and hopeful for you! Bc damn, a new baby won't change the hurt in your heart but he/she will bring joy! And hope! And that's pretty darn good medicine, even of it treats something that cannot be cured. Too many metaphors! Ha! Just so happy for you and will be thinking of you! ❤Alexander❤

    1. The memorial page was really hard for me. I almost, ALMOST, wrote A's name. I didn't want to 'deface' her project, and have her MAD at me...but man, I was so close. I wonder what she would have said if I did. What? You don't WANT him there? Remembered? A part of your special day? I really don't know what she was thinking. I expected more from her. Maybe she'll fall back on the very common default response, "I didn't want to upset it up...etc.".

      Thank you for your support. It means a lot. It's all so twisted and scary. But it's good to see that so many women had made it through to the other side of this particular part in this journey of loss, and new love.

  6. There was something you mentioned early on in this post that made me hope "I wonder if she's pregnant" but now I can't remember and too impatient to go back and re-read because YOU ARE AND I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOU!

    Sorry about the egh moments. Wishing the very, very best for you, Daniel, and Alexander's sibling.

    1. Probably when I said something like I was a mess of hormones and emotions!! I wrote the wedding story still only half way into the idea that I'd revel this subsequent pregnancy at the end. Because truth of the matter is, being pregnant on that day played A BIG part in how I felt (physically especially). My sheer intolerance at the rehearsal dinner was probably fueled a lot by my nausea and dizziness. But it just amplified everything. Especially the fact that I wasn't getting fed on time!!

      I kept saying to myself "at least I'm pregnant again..." to try to get myself through...but it didn't take away the missing, and needing, and desperation I had for my sons presence not being there. I tried my absolute best, but it was a damn hard weekend.

      Endless thank you'd for your love and support

  7. Timing very similar to my own pregnancy after loss. Hoping like CRAZY for you.

    1. I'm hoping like crazy too that this sticks this time...and I'm not here EVER with anything but good news.

      You are a gem Sally. Thank you for everything.

  8. Oh my dear. I am absolutely thrilled to bits to read your news.

    AND if I had ever looked half as nice in a dress I would have taken dress rehearsal photographs too. There is a difference between vanity and justified pride you know ;) You and your DH looks gorgeous.

    Oh you did so well throughout that wedding. And that book, with its awful, glaring absence. Because, as CiM rightly says, it doesn't do to murder people.

    Totally with you on the MINGLING stuff. I tried. I still try. And it does get easier but sometimes it's just too unbearable. And I would been disappointed in the food. As I get older, well . . weddings are ALL about the food ;) Corn on the cob, BBQ, potato salad? Sounds delicious and not too much to expect?

    Hmmm I'm 33. Marrying an equivalent age gap 27 year old. Ummm. Nooooo. But I do, sincerely, wish them all the best. One thing I'm certain of it that you never can tell.

    My husband is, for the record, also 33.

    And your dear Daniel. I'm terribly sorry that he felt so very much alone.

    I'm glad your mother saw the ache in your heart and, perhaps, she couldn't say what she wanted to say? Maybe? I know that my mother and my sister do not often mention Georgina, it almost is choked out of them. But she is there.

    And Veronica. I hope it's for real. I really, really do. As Sally has already said, hoping like CRAZY. I really am.

    Hang on in there, Alexander's little brother or sister. Hang on in there. You are so much loved and wanted and we are all pulling for you.

    1. I just wanted to come here and say thank you. I don't know if anyone other than myself follows along with replies...but I wanted to tell you your support means a lot to me.

      And as bad as I've been with responding to the Canadian BLMs your shared my story with, I'm oh so grateful that you did.

      There's lots I could still say about this wedding...this post...but I'm really trying to not scowl and hiss at all things delightful and happily expressed by others. My sister has been changing her FB profile on an every other day basis with pictures from her photography package from her wedding day. Bride and groom shots, gazing at each other - looking so very choreographed - by supposed to be "candid. Just seeing ones life just spill over with all f the crap I'm just not feelin these days. Oh mercy.

      It's like it won't ever end, or I'll probably end up screaming before it all does.

      I agree with your predictions about my mother. Her heart is bursting with so much love, pain, ache, anticipation and sorrow all at once...and she's lucky if she manages an "I love you" when she wants to say it most. But yes. She is certainly there.

  9. Oh, what a crappy wedding. They just don't have the appeal they used to...okay, nothing does. But the hoopla and energy that goes into weddings just seems even more ridiculous now.

    WAY more important--Yay for a new little growing life! I had to go visit my new (and very unplanned) niece in the hospital exactly nine months after Bear was born and I was so thankful to have found out just days before that I was pregnant again. It made such a crummy situation barely tolerable.

    What a nice picture of you and Daniel. I'm so sorry Alexander is not wearing an adorable fancy baby outfit in your arms! And so glad for the baby in your belly!

    1. Yes, the energy seems such a trivial thing now. Watching these people really, REALLY poor themselves into certain things just seems impossible to me. I can't even appropriately commend them for their efforts as it all just bounces off my radar.

      Thank you Julie. New growing life is such a blessed thing. It did (in its own unique way) soften some of the wedding day blows.

  10. Your sister's wedding should have a very different day with Alexander stealing the show with his adorable 7-month antics, you and Daniel taking turns running off to change him, an older relative volunteering to go back to the hotel to put A to sleep so you two could stay and kick up your heels. It's just so wrong. And it's impossible not to miss him extra at big events like that.

    I am hopeful for Alexnder's little sibling growing inside your belly. Hang on tight baby. Love to you and your family of 4.

    1. Those potential (should have been) scenes from the wedding day were being played through my mind during the majority of my pregnancy. Every time the wedding was mentioned, while I was pregnant, thats all I could imagine. I even had anxieties of not making it because our babe would be sick...a fever, a cold...and we'd have to find a way around it! But I never thought it would have been like this. This reality I'm living, I could not have predicted if my life had depended on it. Im living in a wrinkle in time...a world of nonsense and opposites. This wedding was like a circus in a twisted dream...I was left questioning, searching, confused, sad, in denial, in disbelief... Where was my oh so crystal clear projected reality? Where was my oh so once alive son?

      Thank you for your support. I'm reading along with you as you press through this upside down journey.

  11. Weddings. Blech. I'm glad I don't know anyone getting married this year. As for your news, everything crossed over here for you; I want this to work so badly. Go baby go.

    1. In every way that I know possible...I want that too.
      Crossed or uncrossed...what ever it is I have to do... Just let this work.
      Sending mutual love and thoughts your way

  12. Oh I'm hoping with you Veronica.

    Hang on in there Alexander's little brother or sister. xx

    1. Tash, thank you. Your hoping thoughts mean a lot.

      Thinking of you as well, while on this trying, but hopeful journey ahead.


  13. A formal congratulations now that I'm here and reading! What a play-by-play.

    Keep growing, little one.

    1. Thank you Brandy.
      The wedding was a bit much in how I wrote about it...glad you made your way through it!
      I'm assuming all things are still a grow here with this babe.
      I have a scan next, we'll see how things are going on in there.