Numbers

Theodore's birthday - April 23 = 04 23 = 27

Alexander's birthday - February 27 = 02 27 = 29


Alexander's due date - Feb 18 = 02 18 = 20

Theodore's due date - May 9 = 05 09 = 14


Theo's date of conception - August 18 = 08 18 = 26

Alexander's date of conception - May 29 = 05 29 = 34




Alexander's due date based on LMP = Feb 21 = 02 21 = 23

Theodore's due date based on LMP = May 12 = 05 12 = 17


Theo's gestation was 37+5

Alexander's gestation was 41+2



All of Alexander's numbers are bigger... greater than... more than...

He is the big brother.  He is the biggest.  He is first.


If Theo gestated 41+2 days he would have been born on May 18

Alexander was due on February 18

18.  They share it.  But it's not real.  Theo didn't go to 41+2.  We let him go only to 37+5 to make sure he came out alive.


04 23 = 27.  Alexander was 27.  27.

I wanted Theo born on April 25.  04 25 to be 29.  Alexander was 02 27.  29.  But no.  They don't share 29.

I wanted them to legitimately share a number.  I wanted them both to have a number to represent them both.  I would take that number and sear it on to my heart.



37+5 = 42
41+2 = 43

42 - 43 = -1
43 - 42 = 1

I have 1 son.  I have -1 son.

***

Theodore is now awake.  I wanted to trip out on these numbers a bit longer... 

Maybe it will all mean something some day...

7lbs 13oz

I know it's been a while.  And I could say all the typical things about how life has been with a newborn.  And it's mostly all true. 

Sleep is still hard to come by ... I'm usually a sweaty mess from breastfeeding ... I haven't worn anything beyond boy t-shirts and pyjama shorts for almost a month, and my hair has been up in a clip 24 hours a day. 

... but nights are getting easier.  I'm not as worried (knocks wood), and I'm able to let myself sleep while he sleeps while the AngelCare flicks away letting me know he's breathing ...still living... still here to stay.

(Although I still doubt that machine... and on my not so good nights I have lead myself to believe that it's flawed... it'll flick and tick even if the baby died.  So I'm up, peeking into his crib [that is RIGHT NEXT TO OUR BED] watching the rise and fall of his chest.)

He's 23 days old today.  And I guess he's technically not a newborn any longer (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!)  His weight has FINALLY picked up.  The bilirubin is still in his blood, and he's still looking a little jaundice... and for the first few weeks, he wasn't putting on weight - even though I was feeding on demand (with no more than 3 hours in between feeds), and his pee's and poo's were normal. 

Here is the breakdown:

Born April 23 - 7lbs 5oz
Discharged @ 2 days old - April 25 - 6lbs 11oz
4 days old - April 27 - 6lbs 13oz
6 days old - April 29 - 6lbs 10oz (YIKES!)
9 days old - May 2 - 6lbs 14oz
17 days old - May 10 - 7lbs 4oz

Just last week, he still wasn't at his birth weight.  His doctor told me that with jaundice babies it's normal for them to take a little more time to put the pounds back on.. but still.  I wasn't a happy camper. 

I've had a few meltdowns while feeding him ... convinced he wasn't actually drinking.  He's very lethargic at the breast, and as he would nod off even while I'd tickle his ear, blow on his face, stroke his chin, etc... I shed a few tears.

***

While we were waiting to be called in at the doctors office today .. the nurse came out and called, "Alexander".  Daniel and I both shifted our weight to get up, and we stopped and looked at each other.  Oops.  Ouch.

A little blonde haired boy and his mom made their way into a little room. 

Not us. 

I'm still in a bit of a double life.  One here with Theo, and one in my heart where my boy made it home after a perfect pregnancy last year, and nurses call his name in doctor's offices. 

***

But alas, today Theodore weighed in at 7lbs 13oz today! 9 ounces in one week! Go Theo!

Alexander's birth weight was 7lbs 13oz. I held Theodore extra close today ... almost feeling like it was my chance to feel his brother's weight here on earth.

***

Once again, in not knowing how else to end this post (still a little tired, still a little scattered, still a little tight on time)  I'll just slam a bunch of Theodore pix your way!

In no order, with no rhyme or reason.. he's my kid. 

 He falls asleep on me all-the-time.  He's the perfect handful

 Chilling out with his Dad ...

 ... watching the Leafs (this wasn't them watching the major upset of a game where they lost in game 7 to Boston!!)

 Here's some of his newborn smooshiness - a smile

 ... looking like a worried old man

 so small!

 

loving some skin to skin

 silly dream face

 just a few days old - cheeks looking chubbier than ever

 He is a super sleeper during the day!

 

2 weeks old!



spending time with mom and dad

 

the nights can be long...

and we usually end up like this

 or this..

But here's the little guy yesterday... still a little yellow in his eyes, and looking like he just got back from somewhere warm and sunny

Weighing in... 7lbs 13oz :) 

 

 

 

Daniel told me that people aren't going to think he's cute because pictures don't capture his adorableness.  I'll admit - he's a funny looking kid!  But really guys, pictures don't do him justice.  I could seriously eat him up, he's so yummy.  

The Heavy

Theodore is cuddled with his dad, sucking on daddy's finger for comfort.

I fed him for what seems like hours before he went down for a 30 minute nap.  His rooting couldn't be for more milk...

I've been wanting (daily) to come to this blog, and dump my feelings and frustrations out.. but the rule of "when baby sleeps, you sleep" is really something I'm trying to adhere to.  I don't sleep at night.  I'm up with Theo for 1 and a half hours per feed.  I might get 3-4 hours collectively each night if I'm lucky.  And those 3 hours usually come in 30 - 40 minute doses.  If I ever get a good nap in during the day that's longer than an hour, I feel like a new person. 

I let Daniel sleep at night.  I need him during the day to be as functional as possible.  I feel so wired, and at times borderline crazy.  I try not to lose my shit with visitors, constant feeds, advice... etc.

But I'm getting close.

And I can't ever really talk about what's really pushing me to my edge. 

I miss Alexander.

I ache with now evident his goneness is.  With Theodore here, it is a constant reminder of what so should have been last year. 

And I don't know if I'm normal.  Am I normal for a baby loss parent even?  Are my unravelling emotions normal for any "new" mom?  Is this overwhelming feeling of sadness over the loss of my first born normal?  Is the feeling like I cannot possibly do this another day without having Alexander here normal?  Is the endless amount of joy I have in the arrival of Theodore supposed to make having Alexander not here easier?  Because right now, it does not.

I love both my sons.  Endlessly and equally.

How is it one of them is out of my reach?  Inaccessible?  Untouchable?  So completely gone? 

Several people "outside" of my circle commented on how next Sunday will be my first Mother's Day.  It hurt me more than I expected. 

Today, MY MOTHER said, "look at you, you're a mom now".  Happily, and without thinking of any consequence, she said this.

I didn't get it.  I don't get people who don't remember that I had a son last year, and he died.  And then still think that with Theodore's arrival I now qualify as "mom" status. 

It hurt.  My mother says things without thinking.  My temper was short and is getting shorter day by day with the lack of sleep, and I told her she's pissing me off.  Getting mad is easier than getting emotional.  If I let myself get sad... it's hard to reel it in. 

Theodore is a little Jaundice.  It's 12 days old today.  Everyone told me that after a week old it should start to go away on it's own... and as long as he's wetting enough diapers.. and having 3-5 poo's a day... not to worry. 

When the poo turns yellowish... the jaundice will be well on its way out.

Today... I started to see yellow.  I saw yellow once or twice a week back, but then they went back to green.  I want to get a follow up, but his numbers weren't high enough for anything to be scheduled. 

I want one anyway. 

The whites of his eyes are still yellowish.  And I swear... his face comes and goes with colour.  Tan to yellow to red.  It tears me apart.  I want him well.  I want him thriving.

He falls asleep on the boob.  He sometimes wants it every 2 hours... for over an hour.  And with that math, he's feeding some evenings for 5-6 hours straight.  I tickle his ear... blow on his face... stroke his cheek... just keep eating baby... but the jaundice makes for a sleeping eater. 

I can't help but think what kind of mother/person I would have been last year with Alexander as my first living child.  Would I be filled with peace?  Would I have a sense of glee with my new baby?  Would I be high on love to no end, and make for a wonderful host?  I still feel so gutted by his death, and as if I'm constantly trying to put my life back together.  What kind of mother/person would I be if I was not carrying around this awful feeling of missing?  This awful feeling of loneliness?  This painful yearning?

The other day, I was in the kitchen, and something triggered a memory from last year.  Daniel and I went to Vancouver for a few weeks 3 months after Alexander died.  All of a sudden, in the middle of my kitchen making my tea... I ached to be back there.  I ached to be so close to losing him.  I wanted so bad to feel that enormous amount of fresh grief.  I wanted to crawl into a ball of sadness over losing my son.  Instead, I was in my kitchen, quickly trying to get a meal and a cup of tea in before the baby wakes and my presence would be once again dominated by a needy newborn.  How could I want to be anywhere but with this new little life, this new little cranky boy who keeps my up and has me thinking I'm at my wits end... why would I want out of this new life? 

But I did.  I wanted Alexander back more than I wanted anything else. 

The moment passed. 

I try to stay present with my new son. 

But I'd be lying if I said I was only over the moon happy-go-lucky-I-love-my-life now that Theo is here. 

I still hurt all the time.  Maybe more now that Theo is here?  Maybe more now that we made it to the other side of a subsequent pregnancy with a living child?  Maybe more now knowing/confirming all that should have been... could have been. 

If I were still pregnant, Theodore would be 39+3 days gestation.

Alexander died and was born at 41+2.

As Theo gets closer to his brother's final age... the similarities are increasing.  He looks most like his brother while in the car seat.  Cheeks slouched and face drooped.  Lips completely pouted out... looking a little lifeless. 

Yeah, when my son looks lifeless, he looks like his brother.  Ouch. 

 Theo in his car seat.  Looking like Alexander.  Beautiful.

 

At the doctors at 4 days old... Mr. Billy Reuben came into our lives. 

 

 

 

I don't have an appropriate way to complete/end this post.  My time is limited.  I feel like I haven't scratched the surface with my constant battle of emotions.  But I'm reaching out for what it's worth.  This is where I'm at right now.  There are tons of moments filled with SO.MUCH.GOOD, but today I'm choosing to let out the sad.  Let out the heavy. 

 

 

I know it's "bilirubin"