Thursday, 16 January 2014

The Oscars

"Award Season" is upon us.  That means so is Alexander's birthday.  Or, the way it stands out to me - the day he died.

I've always loved the Oscars.  When I was a teenager, I used to try to watch all the movies that were nominated for best picture.  Especially if actors I loved were in the cast, and/or nominated as well.  I remember "Titanic" being THE YEAR I started really getting into Oscar buzz.  I loved Leonardo DiCaprio.  Still do.  I remember the big hoopla of him not attending that year because he didn't get nominated, and well, everyone else in the cast did.  I was like 14ish years old... and I was a little boy crazy for Leo... but I also loved Matt Damon and was kind of gunning for "Good Will Hunting" to take the cake because I just thought that movie was SO GOOD.  And I thought it was adorable to see Matt and Ben win for best original screen play.

I remember "American Beauty" and my sister obsessing over that movie because she was all into Kevin Spacey (I think "LA Confidential" the year before started her obsession), and then "Gladiator" because of Russell Crowe.  Then there was "Chicago" and the comeback of the musical... I remember being surprised when "Crash" won, just because it didn't seem like a movie the Academy would appreciate.  Old farts and all.  And then "The Departed" came along and was another BIG YEAR for me and the Oscars.  I remember missing a few... but always paying attention to what was nominated each year and made a note to myself that I wanted to see that movie if given the chance.  Slumdog Millionaire was a good one too... and I actually saw The Kings Speech while pregnant with Alexander. 

Movies and the Oscars were kind of like markers in time.  I can remember nominees and I can almost remember that year of my life ... who I watched what movie with... where I was in my job, and with friends.  Anyway.. you get where I'm going.

The Academy Awards aired on February 26th, 2012.  I remember looking towards that date knowing that I'd watch them FOR SURE, as I was on mat leave, and the only way I'd miss them is if I was at the hospital in labour.  I wasn't too excited about the nominees.  I saw "The Help" in January when I started my leave, and thought everyone should win for that movie.  But I don't think I saw very many other titles that were up for anything. 

The weekend of the 25th and 26th was winding down and I was still pregnant.  I was nervous and unsettled about being so overdue, but I had an appointment and BPP scheduled for the Monday the 27th with my OB's replacement as my actual OB she on vacation as of the 25th... and Daniel was pretty comfortable in the plan that we would see the doctor and probably have the baby on the 27th or within another day or two.  I was in this weird, eerie mindset that I was somehow going to be pregnant forever. 

We both started watching the ceremonies together awake.  I was on the phone a bit, and on FB.  Reading all the comments of "ANY BABY NEWS YET?!?!" made my heart tired.  I wanted so bad to just have him born, and stop all the anticipation. 

I got comfortable on the couch around 9ish, and remember feeling Alexander kick and plunk away as usual.  Gabriel got comfortable on my legs, and Daniel fell asleep on the other end of the couch.  My belly hit the remote off the couch, and I stretched and twisted down to pick it up.  I remember feeling a very strange pain.  I went, "oohww" and it woke Daniel.  I said, "that was different, I hope I didn't hurt him".  But I remember shrugging it off knowing that I'd done a multiple of way more strenuous activities during my pregnancy... and not to mention a very active last month of moving out of my condo and into the new house... rearranging furniture (ON MY OWN AT TIMES) and a little bend on the sofa surely didn't hurt my baby.

I fell asleep soon after that.  I woke at 11:45PM.  I remember waking realizing that I wasn't being WOKEN up by the baby.  He always kicked and jabbed me around this hour.  My belly was very quiet. I nudged Daniel.. and he stumbled himself quickly off to bed.  I was going to tell him I didn't feel the baby moving... but I didn't want to act too prematurely.  I sat up and saw that they were on the Best Actor and Actress awards.  Ok, I thought, I'll just see who wins the big 3, and go to bed.  He'll pipe up a bit for sure. 

"...And the winner is..... "The Artist!".  What the fuck is that movie anyway... The fucking Artist won.  I stayed up for that?!  I hadn't felt anything.  I remember feeling a shift at one point.  But now, I don't remember if it was on the couch waiting for best picture, or if it was when I got into bed.  But it wasn't quite a shift.  I poked, and something "fell" in response.  Yes, it was on the couch.  I remember it now.  And I thought, I'll go to bed on my left side as usual, and he'll liven up. 

Well, he didn't.  I laid there for 5 minutes, shift and nudging... shaking my belly.  And nothing.  I got up and took a shower thinking I KNEW we were going to the hospital tonight as this was not like him at all to be so quiet for so long.  I jiggled my belly under the hot water, and started sobbing.  I talked to him.  "What's going on?  What are you doing?  What's happening in there?"  I was crying so hard. 

I came out and Daniel thought I was throwing up.. .. No.  I was crying.  Bad.  And we had to go.  He told me to drink ice water, and lay on my back.  I went downstairs in an open robe and did just that.  All four hands on my belly.  Nothing. 

We went to the hospital.  We didn't bring the baby bag.  Thought, let's just wait and see if this is the real deal.  It was 1AM.  Within 30 minutes I was being hooked up to the monitor.  No heartbeat. 

My love for the Oscars died the night my baby did. 

Last year it aired on a Sunday, but it was the 24th.  It was so close to Alexander's day.  I couldn't turn on the TV for the entire month of February without seeing something about nominee's and best pictures.... nearly killed me all over again. 

Award Season is in the air.

Grief Season is in the air.

Fucking Oscars. 


  1. Those triggers are so hard. I'm so sorry. I often feel guilty for not being able to pinpoint when Eliza stopped moving, but I realize that wouldn't make it easier. Nothing would.

  2. Damn Oscars! Bleh. Thinking about the day/s leading up to Bear dying eats at me. Even now. All the little things that I could have done differently. I hate it. I know it doesn't bring him back. And we will never know why so perhaps there is nothing we could have done. But if only we had known to change something/anything! before it was too late.

  3. Ugh. I hate when things the rest of the world is so happy about only reminds me of pain and heartbreak. Sending love to you.

  4. Oh, those moments when you know - you KNOW - but at the same time your mind can't let you completely know or you will go crazy. I am so, so sorry. Sending lots of love, here listening.

  5. Blagh - blogger ate my comment.

    Anyway, I was just saying that I also know exactly when I felt Cale last and the first time I noticed he wasn't moving and not wanting to really process what that meant even though I knew it wasn't good. Like March said above, I knew, but I couldn't really accept what it meant.

    Fucking Oscars. I got some formula in the mail today as a free sample because the world is creepy like that and knows when you have a baby. Anyway it's such a trigger for me because I got formula in the mail after we lost Cale. Fucking similac.

  6. I can't believe you can pinpoint (perhaps) when he stopped moving. That breaks my heart for you. I sort of want to know with Andrew, but of course that doesn't bring him back. I stupidly went about my business, went into labor and showed up at the hospital fully expecting I would be having a (living) baby. Foolish me.

    You have an incredible memory. I'm totally amazed when I read accounts of people remembering so vividly certain things like who won best picture, etc. I can barely remember what we did last week. Of course maybe that makes grief more complicated?

    Damn those Oscars.

    p.s. I also got formula a week after Claire was born (and Benjamin. And Andrew), despite never signing anything. I think the hospital sells our info. Is that legal? Anyway, just saw Caroline's comment and that makes me angry still. Luckily, I had a friend who knows someone in need and I donated the formula to them. Get that thing OUT of my house immediately.