Tuesday, 27 January 2015

The Countdown - Getting it Out There

When I started this blog, I picked the title "Reflecting Still..." because I found myself every day constantly reflecting back on my pregnancy with Alexander.  I found myself stuck in an endless cycle of replaying the night he died over and over in my head.  Reflecting almost in an out-of-body state on the onslaught of emotions we took home with us without a baby.  Looking back on it all and questioning it all kept me in a standstill for months.  And oh god the pain, the real physical pain that came with the tears in those early days was unreal. 

And as those months went by, I read blogs and had house guests.  I read blogs and somehow went out to the grocery store. I read blogs and showered and bathed and watched TV and repeated those activities throughout my day with NOTHING added or in between.  I knew I wanted to write.  Before I even dove into the blog world, I knew I wanted to get my story down on "paper" and possibly share it somehow. 

I wanted to write about every last detail of his baby shower.  About the outfit I went out and bought after all the showers were over and I couldn't get a certain footed pajama out of my mind.  I wanted to write about how torturous and punishing it was to have milk come in and no baby to feed. I wanted to recite my every day emotions - all scatted and broken apart - and keep a log of sorts so I could look back... "reflect" back if you will.  And there were a so many other things I wanted to get out and let bleed in those early months of child loss that I just didn't ever get around to doing. 

I read about a million blogs (not an official number ;)) and I felt like everything I wanted to say was already said.  And truthfully, I regret not sitting my butt down in front of this laptop more often and getting out all tose raw juicy emotions.  I'm not about to go back and start at square one with fresh grief, but I do want to dive back into this blog and share some really intimate details of MY particular story, and some lasting memories and experiences from the aftermath of Alexander's death.

I don't know who still reads.  I've pretty much abandon this blog in the past year or two.  I didn't ever want to, but having Theo has proved that I cant get much else done during the day.  I know it's a good problem to have... but it's a huge reason as to why I just haven't managed much else on the list of "all I want to accomplish" otherwise. 

I don't have any expectations, and it would be pretty silly for me to want to write for any other purpose than it makes me "happy".  A lot of this might sound like retold stories as I've emailed and shared lots of things in the past few years with wonderful ladies I've connected with through blogging. 

I guess this post is me "putting it out there".  When the new year started, so did my "pre grief" season.  The time before the time.  The steady march toward what I know is inevitably ahead of me.  I haven't ever done anything specific for Alexander for his birthday, but I've always tried to do "something".  And that something was Daniel and I taking the day off of work and staying home crying on the couch for the first year.  And that something was getting his sketch done for the second year.  This year, I told myself I was going to do 27 posts in February.  27 for my darling 27 baby.  As January has pressed forward, and I didn't get ANY pre-writing done, I've had to readjust my "something" so I don't let myself down.  I want this to be natural and somewhat of a tribute - not a challenge and another reason I have to feel like I've let Alexander down. 

So I want to get back at it a bit.  It will probably be mostly heavy stuff, but not necessarily weighted in thick unbearable grief as three years out just doesn't bring that on constantly.  But I'll be writing.  And I hope it doesn't all come out sloppy and incoherent like. 

But this is for my kid.  I cant get him a pj set or a new book on the 27th of January to start the countdown to his birthday.  So sadly, painfully, I'm doing this instead.  I probably wont get 27 entries done, but this is my "something" for this birthday. 

I hope it all comes out beautifully and perfectly...because that's all* Alexander ever was <3

*and so much more

12 comments:

  1. It never feels like enough. I cannot do enough for Ava. It feels inadequate, mostly because I don't get to cover her in kisses and snuggle her reading bed time stories. My parenting of Ava is not the same as a living child, so no matter how many replacements I find to what parenting her in life would be, it never seems enough.

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  2. I agree with Melissa, nothing or everything could ever be enough. Except your love for Alexander. xoxo

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  3. You are not alone in replaying those last living days with Alexander. Those days haunt me, still.

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  4. Yes, my timeline is much the same. The record keeping, the reading, the writing, then the abandoning it... I'll be looking forward to reading what you share. Thinking of you and your boy....

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  5. I will read whatever you write - I would love to know more about Alexander, and I know how much solace there can be in sharing some of the harder memories. And if it doesn't come out beautifully and perfectly, it doesn't make *him* any less beautiful and perfect: the weight of the pressure we put on ourselves to do everything just right becomes unbearable, doesn't it, and you are his mom, and everything you do for him is just as right as it can be because of that. <3

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  6. I read. And would love to hear anything related to Alexander.

    Third birthday - how about three posts in Feb?

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  7. I feel the same way about my blog- it used to be a lifeline, a way to get through the day. I needed it. And now when I post I wonder if anyone is still reading.....but it's still important to get out those words. I will be reading about your sweet Alexander for sure. And I'll try to do a better job of posting myself! Love to you ❤️

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  8. Sending much love as Alexander's birthday approaches. You honor him in everything you do, and especially in the way you parent Theo. xo

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  9. I do love that you do something every year for Alexander. We're still reading. Promise. :)

    I actually think it's a good thing that some of these mom blogs go abandoned for a bit (or forever). At least BEING a babyloss mom myself. It means that there is some happiness that has crept back in and that time you had so much of before has been taken and loaned to siblings. It doesn't mean you're not missing (though I guess the absence on the blog might give that impression to those who aren't living this aftermath 3 years later). But we know. You love him. And I love that you're dedicating some days in his birth month to write about those things that mean the most that connect you to him. xo.

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  10. Thinking of you and Alexander. I'm reading xx

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