Yesterday I was having a good day. Besides the fact that I was overly emotional about life in general due to my monthly cycle approaching (TMI? Sorry), it was non-grief related things that were making me fall apart. Thinking about the future, getting overwhelmed by time and decisions, self image and struggles with my weight... but nothing really all that heavy about losing Alexander. Weird, right? And funny how I call that a "good" day!
I went downtown to my brother's place to help him clean his condo as he was getting ready to throw his first ever party there - and in this case, for the super.bowl. We went to the grocery store, I cleaned his kitchen and vacuumed his baseboards, and we chatted and joked about light hearted things much like my brother and I do. I spent the ENTIRE day away from Theo. Kind of a first, but not really because Daniel stopped by around dinner time so I could nurse him. But anyway, a good day was had. My brother and I even had a pretty in-depth conversation about the "what if" of our family moving into the core of the city. We talked about condo life and the joys of being a constant pedestrian. I do miss being in the heart of the city where EVERYONE is walking around for everything. Made me reminisce about my past days of living close to the same lifestyle that he is now. And would being a homeowner be less stressful in a condo over a house? Especially with a child? We talked about lots of pro's and con's ... but it doesn't look like we're house hunting in high rises anytime soon!
But it felt nice to be "away" from home (an entire 20 minutes!) for the whole day feeling kind of care-free and young again.
I was well aware that February 1st was today, and that I wasn't feeling it. I thought it strange and very out of character. I thought after 3 years my grief would be fairly predictable. I thought, "ok..? So this February I'm just not going to be sad??" I got a little anxious ... feeling like I was losing a part of myself to my current life. Like, I'm just going to have days where I feel NORMAL?? I didn't know what that meant for all the writing I wanted to do this month. Would I have to push it, or force it out and have it all come across as fake and contrived? Would I just bail on the whole thought of dedicating Alexander's 3rd birthday to all of February and grief writing?
After Daniel and Theo left so my brother and I could carry on with our evening, we decided to take a break and watch some F.R.I.E.N.D.S on Net/flix. I pulled out my phone and checked my IG account and that's when it happened. Boom! A big famous someone celebrating his birthday kissing a big pregnant baby-filled belly. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. What ever wind I was feeling in my sails, toting around whatever care-freeness I was managing was gone. Just poofed right out of me. And just like that, I'm right there again. I want to cry right now grief bubbling, feeling like I totally got ripped off in life and 3 years ago that very well could have been a picture of Daniel kissing my big beautiful belly. With his hands oh-so-gently holding my belly, hugging it but with no pressure applied. In awe of the little person inside. Filled with life and promise. Just like a Mr "JayTee" was in that IG picture. And why shouldn't he be. Filled with guarantees, no fear, promise, definite endings, safety, confidence, pride, knowing, and assurance. Just like I was.
And there I was yesterday, sitting on my brother's couch in his downtown condo, holding my phone, dumbfounded and lost for words. All I said was "I knew it. I knew this was coming". He didn't have ANY clue what I was talking about or what was going through my head ... or why any of this MATTERED to me other than maybe because I'm a fan of the guy and what? Was miffed I missed the boat? LMAO. No. Hardly my feelings. But everything was just too complex to explain, and my brother is the wrong person to open up that can of worms with anyway.
But that did it. It's stayed with me. I've thought about that damn picture about a million times, and have to actively stop myself from going back and looking at it as it's so self defeating and almost damaging. I think of it and think, goddammit, what happened?? And I'm now in my anticipated February Funk. Oh, and I sigh and feel how heavy my chest has become over less than 24 hours. Why is it that certain announcements, celebrity or otherwise, really hit that nerve? That sore spot that brings out how defeated you can feel in this life? But that did it. I know I'm in my "season" now, and it really shouldn't shock me...but that did it. This stuff... it gets to me and it inflicts on my sensitive side of things. Getting sent down that hole from a simple innocent announcement ... it still happens.
This wasn't the way I had "planned" on starting off the month with posts, but it's real time and it really sucks.